


Nightshade

by Loki_Silvertongue_laufeyson



Category: Bucky - Fandom, Captain America, Marvel, Winter Soldier - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Drugging, Fighting, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Mentions of Suicide, Swearing, Torture, Trust Issues, Violence, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-23
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-02-10 00:43:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 36,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2004294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_Silvertongue_laufeyson/pseuds/Loki_Silvertongue_laufeyson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>About Bucky and an original female character called Anna but referred to as Nightshade. It starts off based before 'the winter soldier' in Russia where Bucky and Anna (the winter soldier and nightshade) are assassins for HYDRA. Steve convinces Bucky to stay  and Anna believes that the only person that she could trust and rely on has died at the hands of Captain America.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In the beginning

The red room was truly a place where nightmares are born. It's inmates sit around the edges on the hard concrete floor. One group in the corner is gradually getting rowdier as more spirits are consumed and the stakes of their game are raised. In the corner opposite the door sits a lone figure, a solitary sentinel surveying the room with blatant mistrust and disgust for his fellow assassins. His metal arm rests across his knees, sending signals along his pain receptors up to his brain. Each movement of the arm was agony but his face barely registered any emotion unless he allowed it.

A suppressed shudder ran through him as he remembered the sudden ripping pain of his real arm being torn out of his shoulder socket. He had screamed with pain many times since then at the hands of his tormentors. They had strapped him down and prodded and poked at the raw wound before he went off an operation and the arm was connected via a neural link. The pain was unbelievable, they didn't bother to anesthetize him, only immobilize his body but leave his pain receptors fully functioning. He was kept in cryostasis and tortured until every memory of who and what he used to be was gone. They broke him down, completely unmade him. When he regained consciousness his every thought was of violence and death. When he opened his eyes just a fraction he saw a person standing writing on a clip board. Without a moments hesitation he lunged and felt the unknowns neck snap between his cold fingers. Killing brought a sense of relief, it gave him some control over someone else. Effortlessly he fought guard after guard until he was simply overpowered and strapped into the chair. Footsteps reverberated menacingly and he fought to get free and to cross off this new threat. He was named "the winter soldier" and so began a long solitary story of an assassin and the many who lost their lives to this most skillful of predators. This story continues until Anna enters the red room as a bleeding wreck of a person missing her left fore arm from the elbow down.

She was thrown through the door and landed with a quickly suppressed cry of pain. From his corner the winter soldiers lifts his head and watches as the drunk group from the corner crowd her. Deciding not to waste his time as long as the encounter is peaceful he rolls his head back and allows one eye to shut. A cheer and a definite sound of pain grabs his attention back to the scene. They were holding her in the air by her dark hair and prodding at her arm. Slowly he rose to his feet and stalked across the room. A few of the men saw him coming and retreated rapidly. They left the girl on the floor in an unceremonious heap, all she saw was a pair of black buckled boots coming to a rest near her head. Glancing up she saw another tall man yet the feel of this one was different, he wasn't completely cold like the others. He crouched down, each move calculated but elegant. His brown wavy hair fell to his shoulders and he was wearing charcoal round his eyes to protect from snow blindness. He didn't talk but checked her over watching how she stiffened at the almost touch. When he reached for her arm she tensed even more, like a taut bowstring ready to snap and cause damage at the slightest of movements. A hint of a frown ghosted over his lips as he looked at the girl, her eyes were tightly shut, every muscle tensed. He knew it was only willpower that kept her in place and her desperate fear troubled him. A girl so young should not know so much fear. He wanted to protect her and that was strange because for the first time in an age he wanted something, and that something was emotional, not a tool. He hadn't wanted to protect someone since.... He recalled the feeling but not the person or why which frustrated him to no end. A slight movement caused him to look down again. Wide hazel eyes filled with fear and pain stared back and he realized that he had not moved for about a minute and a half. The bolt on the door was opened and a team of scientists entered. One group came for him and the other for the girl. As they walked the scientist kept muttering about missed medication and the humanizing effects it had. The two groups parted ways at the end of the corridor. When he regained consciousness after the treatment the only noise he could hear was screaming, the sound made his blood boil with the need to kill. He was returned to the room alone. A short while later the door opened and the assembled men and women circled the door like ravenous dogs eager for scraps, the atmosphere dropped when it was just the girl being brought back. Her face was pale and her eyes were glazed slightly. Her missing limb had been replaced by a metal arm. She paused to scan the room and spotting the man from earlier she stumbled towards him, as she approached he glanced up and indicated that she could sit. "I don't believe we have been formally introduced yet" his voice was deep and rich but scratchy from unuse. "I am Nightshade" she croaked, her voice was hoarse from screaming and sounded painful to use. "The Winter Soldier" he introduced himself tersely. "You sleep, I'll keep watch" Nightshade glanced at him doubtfully but with a groan she lay down and was asleep within minutes. The winter soldier glanced at her sleeping face and once again felt the need to protect her that even the memory loss couldn't stop. On closer inspection she was not such a girl after all. She looked about 20 but that was only his guess, even if he usually was accurate. That didn't stop her looking like a street urchin though, he wondered what had brought her to the attention of those at the red room. He could see a bruise causing shadows along her cheekbones and jaw line and his fist clenched at the sight causing a wave of pain to pass through him. He rested his head back against the wall and allowed himself to relax slightly but not let down his guard. This was the fifth or sixth night now that he hadn't slept and it was catching up on him. A few hours passed and Nightshade woke with a groan before stretching and hissing when the movement reverberated throughout her entire body. She seemed disorientated but soon recognized her surroundings and settled back against the wall with a sigh. She nearly jumped out of her skin when he cleared his throat behind her, she turned slowly her hands balled into fists to protect herself, when she saw who it was she relaxed a bit but not much. "Good, you have already learnt your first lesson of not trusting anybody" he narrowly avoided a smirk as he realized how grim that sounded. She looked at him for a short while before replying "Sleep, I will watch." He nodded at her and wriggled a little to get comfortable. The look she had given him gave very little away and it was obvious that she had learnt that lesson a long time ago. "The winter soldier sleeps, leaving you on guard" a voice purred from above her, a group of five people were inching closer. "How far he must have fallen to think that a runt like you could do anything to protect yourself from the likes of us." Nightshade was watching their every movement like a hawk, waiting for the right moment to strike. She stood up slowly and carefully, every move was calculated. When the tall man made to hit her she ducked and grabbed him, propelling him across the room. The other four set upon her all at once, kicking and punching, she took a few hits when she moved too slowly but she had not spent years training for nothing and with a flurry of activity to quick for them to see let alone block she landed back on the ground leaving five unconscious people lying on the floor. The noise woke the winter soldier and he opened his eyes to see Nightshade sitting against the wall breathing heavily looking at the unconscious people lying around them, he turned to her for explanation. "There was trouble, I have about had it with chauvinistic men." She managed to wheeze in between deep breaths. He looked slightly amused by that and watched as she gingerly inspected her body for injuries, his face darkened almost in-perceptively at the quiet pained gasp from next to him, "Ah fuck, two broken ribs and I got stabbed." She muttered to herself as she quickly made an inventory of her injuries. Quickly and efficiently she tore a strip off her shirt and peeled it up slightly revealing a toned stomach, the wound was just above her right hip and the blood was starting to congeal around the edges, she expertly dressed the wound then slumped back against the wall. "You look like you have done this before" he said, his voice sounded to rough and raw with concealed emotion, but other than an odd glance she didn't respond for a while. She opened her mouth to talk but was interrupted by soldiers coming through the door and signalling the two of them over. With a well concealed grimace of pain she pushed up from the wall and stood gracefully before walking over to the door followed by the winter soldier who just happened to kick the knife wielder in the head as he walked past. Once in the corridor the guards closed in although they gave the winter soldier a wide berth. The guard behind Nightshade kept bumping her with the barrel of his rifle, each nudge pissed her off a little bit more and jostled her damaged ribs, if he had seen her face then he probably would have stopped and hidden in a corner somewhere. After a particularly violent push she spun suddenly and grabbed him, her metal hand closing around his throat a second slower than her old hand would have done. The lag troubled her a little as did the heaviness but she knew that she would be able to get used to it, " I am no less deadly than him so if you wish to keep your head and your shoulders attached I suggest you stop pushing me with your rifle. Are. we. clear?" She practically spat the last three words at him and he nodded as much as he could, several terrified guards and an amused Winter soldier looked on. The one being pinned squeaked his understanding again and she squeezed tighter in warming before letting go and moving back over to stand next to the Winter soldier. He had a feeling that brainwashed or not she was going to be a trouble for these men. The guardsman recovered but walked a few paces back, the other guards were also careful not to walk too close to her.


	2. The assignment

They were escorted into a small room that was dimly lit by an oil lamp, the air was heavy with alcohol, stale cigar smoke and unwashed body. Anyone with less composure would have gagged, or run out screaming. They were handed a brown envelope with the details of their first victim, it was a three week assignment in England where they would find this man who was an ex hydra agent now selling secrets and dispatch of him. Nightshade was given new clothes that consisted of black heavy duty leather boots, reinforced combat trousers a leather jacket and leather gloves. She went to put them on and when she returned, the winter soldier was wearing his mask and he held one out for her as well. With revulsion she took it and placed it in her pocket, refusing to put it on. Hands suddenly grabbed her elbows, pulling her arms tight behind her back making sure that movement was impossible. A guard grabbed her by the hair pulling her head back before shoving the mask over her face and locking the buckle in. She was forced down to her knees and made to look up at the man on the other side of the desk. He stood and walked round slapping her hard across the face, the blow jerked her sideways but her mind had gone curiously blank and she found that attacking him was impossible. "You listen here and you listen well, you are a risk. We brought you in because you are a risk and if we can't use you we will kill you so if you want to stay alive then make your self useful. Don't be a bitch about things just get the job done." His face was close to hers and he exhaled fully into her face leaving her fighting not to gag, the winter soldiers face was completely blank, his expressive mouth and jaw was covered completely. They turned and left in silence. By the time they reached the door, Nightshade was white and clammy, she was breathing heavily with panic as claustrophobia threatened to overcome her. She had never been one for confinement ever since her childhood so being trapped inside her own body and then the weight of this heavy mask on her face was too much for her to deal with. As they stepped outside through a well concealed door the fresh air washed over them which alleviated some of the panic but not much. They stepped along the alley way until they reached an alcove. He reached back and undid his mask, "you get used to it after a while, it becomes part of what you are. Just keep breathing and focus on the mission. I can't take your mask off and I don't think you can either, it's only opened by a tool and I don't know what or where that is. It is much easier if you accept it and then you will get more control over it." He snapped the mask back on and took a running jump at a fire escape ladder, Nightshade followed his movements carefully and they both took off at a run across the rooftops, when they reached the edge of one they jumped to another. The familiarity of the wind in her hair and the moment of suspension before impact helped to calm her. This continues for about an hour until they reached an alley that was larger than the rest. Here the winter soldier stopped so abruptly that had Nightshade's reactions not been so good she would have crashed into him and sent both of them to their death. In the distance the airport rose up high above the rest of the buildings, that was clearly their target but how they were going to get on board without being seen was a mystery. They turned left and ran parallel to the fence of the airport. Finally they dropped down to street level and hid behind a building closest to the fence, armed guards with dogs were patrolling the fence line but they would have a five minute window in which to enter the compound. The guards turned their back and quick as lightning the two assassins darted to the fence and were under it and away before the guards had reached the next check point. They moved like shadows among the planes searching for one in particular. Nightshade reached forward and tapped his arm, pointing mutely to the small plane on the edge of the terminal, he tensed slightly at the contact and nodded his head. Two workers rounded the corner and before more than a shocked gasp sounded the two assassins moved at the same time and with a twist the two workers moved no more. Donning the reflective jackets and hard hats they straightened and hid the bodies, before walking across to the plane in the distance, being stealthy had its moments but sometimes it was easier and much less time consuming to be overt. As they reached the plane they removed their jackets and hat, before stepping on board. They were greeted by a man dressed in a sharp black suit wearing too much aftershave that still couldn't cover up the stale smell of his body.

The suit raised his head in greeting before returning to typing on his tablet. The winter soldier went to sit in the corner of the plane and Nightshade curled up close to him but not touching. The suit glanced up and smirked before approaching. The winter soldier could feel her tense beside him and looked up. Wisely the suit paused and showed a small tool then gestured to his face. The look of hope that shone in her eyes before she blocked the emotion, caused a flurry of something inside of him. When the suit reached for her head her hand flashed up and grabbed his arm, gesturing towards the Winter soldier, her life had led to her mistrust of those in power especially when the power was directly over her. Their hands always carried enough weight to hurt and although pain was not something she feared, she did not actively seek it out. The suit sighed but handed the tool to him and gestured how to use it, she still tensed a bit but allowed him to reach for her head and undo the mask. Her back was ram rod straight and it was clear to those watching that it took a whole lot of restraint to allow the contact. He allowed her to remove it herself which she did with quick and concise movements before he reached behind himself and removed his own mask. He realized that she was shaking but he said nothing and instead just sat there quietly and gradually the shivering stopped. When he looked down he saw that she had fallen asleep, they were still not touching but the gap was much smaller than ever before. On one side of her face was a discolored from where she was slapped and his gut twisted in anger at their helplessness against the suits exploiting them. He rested his head against the back of the seat and closed his eyes. About three hours into the flight a weight against his arm woke him with a start and he tensed ready to attack, immediately taking in his surroundings. He glanced down and saw Nightshade curled up close to him, her head had fallen into his lap but she was still sleeping peacefully and he wondered again at how she found herself in this world, a snigger made his head snap up and he saw that the suit was watching them. "What?" he snapped in Russian. The suit shook his head and smirked into his whiskey savoring the taste whilst refusing to reply. The winter soldiers body tensed in cold fury and Nightshade began to stir, then she froze and sat up in one sharp movement blushing furiously. She muttered her apologies before rising and leaving the cabin. He rose and followed her, "missing her already?" The suit commented snidely stopping the winter soldier in his tracks. He spun where he stood his jaw clenching but the suit beat him to it, "You sure you want to be doing that, you wouldn't want me to report back that the assets are misbehaving, would you?" The Winter soldier ground his teeth but shook his head silently, his face devoid of emotion, the suit cast him a dirty look before getting up and entering the cockpit. The winter soldier turned and yanked open the door and crashed into Nightshade who leapt backwards in surprise, they stared at each other for a moment before entering the main cabin again and settling in different seats this time. Soon they were coming in to land at a private airfield outside of London. With a shudder they snapped the masks back into place and prepared to exit the plane as soon as possible. When the plane landed the two assassins disembarked and split to do some digging then meet at the rendezvous point. 

Several hours later two figures met on the corner and approached the hotel across the street together then booked into a room. The receptionist keyed in their details and with the fake cheery voice ushered them through. Reaching the door of room 195 Nightshade opened the door with the key card. As they entered the room a search for bugs pursued, they found two microphones but that was it. They sat on the bed and Nightshade set to work replacing the memory card in the microphones with a pre recorded version. When that was done they retold their findings from the day. "I found the work place and scouted it, there is an abandoned warehouse nearby. As far as I can tell he lives 5 streets down from his office, he looks like a fitness freak so probably walks or cycles instead of taking a cab." Nightshade recited, in response the winter soldier reached into his rucksack and withdrew a bag, when he emptied it an amazing array of weapons fell on to the bed. There was a set of wickedly sharp throwing knives each and magnum research baby eagle II 9mm handguns with 5 magazines with it. This appeared to be the standard kit as the rest of the pile on the bed was an assortment of equipment and weapons. There were grappling hooks and all manner of wires. After sorting everything out they decided to turn in for the night. Nightshade offered to take the first watch and ignored his protests, she curled herself up in a chair and relaxed slightly but stayed aware of her surroundings. Making the most of the bed the winter soldier stripped down and got ready for bed before lying right in the center of it, within five minutes he was asleep. When he woke 7 hours later nightshade was sat on the floor in the corner with bleary eyes flicking from the screen in front of her to the doors and windows. "You should have woken me, we both need sleep!!" A tired smile appeared on her face but it was hollow and mocking and he hated it. "I'm good without sleep for a few more days at least." She snapped at him, clearly offended by what he had said, he looked at her and eventually she handed over the tablet and turned in. The red room did not allow for modesty so they were both comfortable just changing in front of each other without any embarrassment, she jumped straight into bed and when he stayed sat next to her looking at the tablet she pushed him out the other side, in minutes she was fast asleep. He let her sleep for three hours and she woke up looking fresher already. They headed out of the hotel together looking like tourists going sightseeing. It took them two and a half weeks to find, question and kill the so called 'phantom one'. Then another couple of days to cover it up, at the end of the three weeks they returned to the airfield and embarked on the long flight home. 

They returned to the red room by the rooftops again and were called in and debriefed from their mission. Over the next five years or so they completed many assignments together and on their own and their trust slowly built over time.


	3. Is this what madness feels like?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst, lots of angst. Beware the feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone that doesn't know, the trapezius is the muscle that runs from our shoulder to our neck. It is classed as a superficial muscle and it is attached from our shoulders to the base of skull and then to many of the vertebrae in the spine. For more information you can check this website here...  
> http://www.shoulderdoc.co.uk/article.asp?article=1402&section=902

As they were running back across the dark cold streets, Nightshade fell behind. During the fight she had suffered a knife wound in her left shoulder. The wielder was clearly inexperienced as he had missed her heart completely. He even failed to sever an artery and the trapezius was mostly intact. The only real damage was a scratch on her collarbone which would take longer to heal. The pain was just catching up with her now that the adrenaline levels had dropped. The blood loss was starting to take over as well, with a cry she tripped and fell catching herself automatically with her arm. This jarred her shoulder and she froze as the pain washed over her. He was back by her side in an instant and found her breathing hard to try and cope with the pain. Her metal hand was clenched into a fist which had to be causing even more pain than she was already in. The two assassins were used to pain but that didn't make injuries any easier to deal with. He bent to pick her up, "no, leave me. I can do it." The pain made her defensive, he sighed exasperated but didn't say anything because he was the same. Gingerly she stood but after a few paces it was clear that walking was not an option. He followed behind but didn't press her. It would be easier if she came to him. Finally she tripped and fell, he crouched by her and offered his hand. She glared at it like it was the plague but allowed him to lift her up, she went white as a sheet when the move jostled her but other than that made no protest. As the journey continued she relaxed against him. When they got back to the red room she was rushed away into the hospital wing and placed into a medically induced coma. He stood and watched her for a while before turning and leaving. 

Nightshades point of view

 

When I woke the first thing I registered was the beeping. Then the scratchy scratchy sheets and finally the smell of antiseptic. Ugh, so a hospital then, I shuddered, I hated hospitals with a passion. My mouth tasted gross and my head felt like it was made of cotton wool. I shook my head trying to clear my ringing ears. Near my head there was a tablet and the flashing icon showed that there was a message. I opened it intrigued then immediately wished that I hadn't . It read:  
Winter soldier... Missing, presumed killed in action.  
There was a moment of silence then "NO!" The scream tore out of me before I could stop it. No no no, he is not dead he can't be. He wouldn't die on a mission like this. HYDRA was revealing itself, there were agents everywhere ready to extract him and help him if needed. There were two targets, Captain America and Nick Fury. From the news reports the assassination of the director was successful so how did one guy get the jump on him. No he was not dead, he wouldn't just leave me? Would he? I could have been imagining the bond that had grown between us, he was the only person I trusted. Was that mutual? I don't know, I don't know. A bright surge of anger rushed through me and the need to destroy was overwhelming. Machines crumbled between my metal fingers and my normal fingers made short work of the boxes of bandages. I ripped cables out and sparks began to fly. That's when they started sending the guards in. Without a moments hesitation I leapt for their throats, the stupid creatures kept coming and with a smile that was more a snarl I continued to kill and destroy. I was covered in blood, from the guards and from my enthusiastic destruction. I got into a rhythm, my blood lust was up and I reveled in it. My only thoughts of the face that if the message was true I would never see again. Thoughts of vengeance fueled every calculated move but it was a hollow victory. I would not rest until the person responsible for ripping a hole in my chest where my heart should be was dead. I paused, sliding down the wall and surveyed the demolition, anger still fizzed through me, a thought came to me and I began to speak "I vow upon the memory of a man who brought a bit of light into my dark world, the man who even though damaged himself rescued me from the bottom of a well of anger, pain, bitterness and hate. I swear to you that I will get revenge for your death, I will walk until my feet bleed and I will fight with a blade in my heart until the man who did this is bled out and I take my last breath, I will die easier knowing that at last I have brought you closure." When I had finished reciting this vow I realized that tears had made tracks down my grime smeared face. I collapsed on the bed, drained and exhausted but a twinge in my shoulder set me on a new train of thought. My injury caused his death! If I hadn't been injured then I would have been there with him, on our own we are deadly but when the two of us fight together the other side has no hope but to line up for their execution. I am the reason he is dead, I could have saved him but I slipped up. Once Captain fucking America is dead I will find a way to die, as I have played a part in his downfall. The guilt ripped through me, I felt like I was drowning, I couldn't breathe it was so suffocating. I began to rock and stare at a point on the opposite wall, tears still streaming down my face. They wouldn't stop. Waves anger and pain kept washing over me with a tidal force, they immobilized me. My will to live shrank down, it was barely a spark anymore. Only the whispered promises kept me going. I recited the vow over and over. Still staring, still rocking, still promising.

The avengers tower

The avengers were gathered round a table, watching through a hacked CCTV feed as Nightshade found out about his 'death' and then watched with open mouths the events after. Even in her state she took out over 50 guards with smooth fluid movements. Bucky sat with his fist clenched as he watched her go to pieces. When the destruction stopped, the room was silent as they waited for what would happen next. As the vow drifted out from the speakers everyone looked from Bucky to Steve then back at the monitor. Bucky looked stricken as he watched her face go blank and the tears start, she was blaming herself he was sure of it. The screen went black and all the lights died. There was a split second of confusion and then "Did you just let off a fucking EMP inside my tower? I told you not to do that, there's valuable stuff in here" without a word Bucky was across the room and had Tony by the neck. He pinned him against the wall his whole body rigid with anger, "don't you fucking dare tell me what to do, in case you hadn't noticed we just watched a friend of mine go to absolute pieces. She was crying for fuck sake! I have known her for six years and she hasn't cried once until today. Do you have any idea how much torture it took for her to so much as squeak. She had her arm torn off and didn't cry yet here she is a complete wreck because she has been told that I am dead! That vow she made, she will complete it, I've seen her kill a man for less. I mean look what she did to those guards when she was angry. Could you take down fifty men in the space of ten minutes with your bare hands? I certainly would be hard pressed to do so yet here she is, there is nothing that can stop her from attempting to kill Steve and she would gladly kill any of you to get to him. Do you have any idea what they will do with her now that I'm gone, do you? No I didn't think so." With that he dropped Tony and slammed out the room. There was a stunned silence punctuated only by Tony's heavy breathing and Steve cursing under his breath. "Oh you know, don't anybody worry about me, I'm totally fine." Tony managed to gasp out and sat back up. "Sir all systems are still fully online. The EMP was concentrated to this room, it temporarily blinded me." JARVIS commented from the speakers, in response to the whereabouts of Bucky he simply replied the roof. Steve went to check on him, when he arrived at the glass doors he could see Bucky sitting and staring across the stunning skyline. Taking a steadying breath Steve pushed open the doors, knowing that Bucky had sensed him long ago. "You don't understand Steve, I'm scared for her. When we were together in all the time I have known her, she was so composed when fighting. It was an emotionless thing for her, she was never rash, but when I saw her today none of that was visible, she was a wreck of emotions. Dangerous for sure but not careful, if she goes into a fight like that she could die, there was no composure to her. I didn't realize that I had such an effect on her, her emotions were always kept under wraps." Bucky was shaking as he said this, either from cold or the emotion that was coursing through him. Steve sat down close to him, so that their hips and shoulders were touching, giving him support through human contact. "Steve..... You don't know everything that happened to me, to us out there. Somethings I can't ever repeat out loud." His voice tailed off and Steve stayed silent, Bucky lent into the contact for a while before standing and walking back to the door, looking back he paused holding it open for Steve.

Nightshades point of view

For days I sat and stared, the tears would dry up for a few hours but inevitably they would start again. It reminded me of the vigil I held over my father's drained body, the flashes were vivid and left me gasping and crying once again. I had no control over them, the tears made dainty streams across my dirty and bloody face before hanging off my chin and dropping to the floor. I imagined that there must be enough soon to drown in. Some days later, the head suit, a man by the name of Alexander Pierce paid me a visit. He walked in and let out a whistle at the debris and fly ridden pools of blood. "Well you really went to town in here, didn't you?" His voice was jarring and the words echoed around in my head without registering. I eventually looked up at him through bloodshot eyes and waited for him to talk. I craved the security my mask brought, it meant I didn't have to speak. I could do what my thoughts wanted or take orders but no one could force a word out of me. It was easy enough to defy him, I was long overdue a stretch in the chair and knew it would not be long before I became a puppet dancing on tangled strings once more. The next word I speak will be when I come for HIM. My hand clenches with a metallic clang and the suit steps back, he has clearly seen what happened the last time I got angry. A whistle of air should have alerted me but in my groggy way I didn't connect two and two together until the prick of a needle sent a wave of panic through me, I staggered to my feet but darkness clouded my sight almost immediately. When I woke up I had a throbbing headache but was strapped into the chair used for inserting the serum. I had known this was coming but I still wanted to keep my memories, I began to struggle but they pumped a load of serum in to me, designed to wipe my memory and convert me back into the 'asset' that they made of me. I collected all the memories I wanted and held them tight, focusing my whole mind on them. The delicious pain whipped and crackled through me. It lit up every nerve in an unending clamor for my attention. The pain would not force a scream from my twisted lips, I decided that I could endure this. The pain reached the cavern where my spirit for life used to be and finding it nearly empty surged in. It took over and inflamed my will to survive. It fanned the flames with its poisonous breath and I could feel my body start to return. The muscles snapped and rippled with tension, they tensed and flexed along with the tidal wave of pain that washed straight through me. A gasp was the only reaction they got as it began to burn hotter and hotter inside me, just when I felt like I would be cooked the pain cut off completely and blissful cool reigned once more. If the pain was a tsunami, the peace was a tranquil lake, surrounded by deep blue sky and majestic mountains, with emerald trees hanging low over the water. I felt detached from my body, just floating, floating on and on. When I came back to myself I was still an empty vessel, but as empty as I was a burn inside drove me on. My mind was trapped behind a steel barrier, I could feel my conscience flowing and twisting behind the barrier but it was overwhelmed by the will to serve. My only purpose for life was to complete missions with the utmost surety. I was escorted back to the concrete floored room that housed the majority of the workers. I froze as the memories washed over me for a split second before the serum wiped my mind clean. I could see him on the floor in front of me. A dead, bleeding figure who rises slowly and reaches out for me. "Why did you let me die?" His eyes seemed to be questioning me. I could feel the horror bubbling inside of me, it threatened to suffocate me as it sat heavy on my heaving chest. Those dead eyes just screamed that my promise was not good enough. I was shaking all over and screwed my eyes tight shut and walked to our corner before sitting down. When I opened them again he was gone. After a few days I was given an assignment, I was to be a body guard for a high profile HYDRA agent. There were already SHIELD agents in place and more would be arriving soon, I was to eliminate any threats as quickly as possible. If any harm befell this agent then I would be in serious shit. When the agent arrived he was introduced to his close range protection squad. They would be with him on the ground and take out any threats that tried to get to him that way. He shook their hands then moved on towards me. I stayed on the floor as a group of feet stepped into my line of vision. The suit I was to protect crouched down to look at me closer. I missed the first half of the conversation and only tuned in when it became apparent that he was talking about me "and what is this one for?" I rolled my head and looked at him and he stared with fascination at my eyes. I knew what he would find there: the promise of violence, death, anger and an overwhelming sense of loss and grief. I knew because that was my burden to carry, despite their best attempts to wipe me clean. "This is Nightshade, the best assassin in the world, she is on long range so you won't see her much if at all. There are SHIELD agents posted in buildings all around and they are hers to deal with. In case you're wondering she doesn't talk. She is more of a beast than a human" The man talking sounded bored but the vicious way in which her referred to me showed he was not as immune as he tried to be. I wanted to smack him but instead I settled for a death stare that had him stepping back quickly. I was merely an asset to be pointed at a target, to them I am nothing but the weapon they created me to be. They scrutinized me with their contemptuous gazes so I rolled my head back before standing and leaving. I stalked throughout the base with a vicious poise and such a boiling anger that no one even contemplated the idea of stopping me at all. Eventually I came to an unmarked storage room. Slipping in I found a package marked TWS and there was only one thing that would stand for. I opened it and his mask fell out, along with his torn and bloodied jacket. I broke free from the serum and I picked up the mask and buckled it on. I could almost feel his presence in the room. The mask was a comforting weight around my face but it didn't fit quite right due to his jaw being larger than mine. I stood there with tears rolling down my face, his jacket still smelt like him despite the blood and dirt on it. I sat on the floor to clean it. By the time I was done the jacket was nearly perfect so I shrugged mine off and put his on. It was like being wrapped in a comforting presence or a hug from a loved one. Several hours had passed with me staring into the distance before I rose and stretched my complaining joints. I had memorized the file and knew the locations of my targets. So I headed off outside still wearing his mask and jacket. I checked the pocket to ensure that I had moved my collection of memory sticks containing a lot of information on HYDRA into this jacket. One thing I had learnt was not to trust an organisation, especially not the one you work for. I may be loyal to them but I didn't trust them one inch. Hence the fact that I have at least five memory sticks full of dirty HYDRA information, on their plans, bases and agents. I opened a hatch on the underside of my arm and slotted them in, one by one until the hatch slid shut hiding them. Tonight was going to be fun, the adrenaline of a kill mission had stopped the shake that insomnia, torture and lack of food had worked into my hands. I stepped outside and took up my position opposite the doorway that my first target was in. I hacked the network without a hitch and turned to share my status with... The empty air beside me. The loss smacked through me and I would have fallen off the roof if I had been any closer. As it was I curled into a ball trying to control my breathing. At times like these my knife wound always flared up with pain as if it were a reminder of my failure bringing this grief upon myself. Pulling myself together I hurled myself across the space between the two rooftops. The momentary exhilaration of falling before solid ground reached under me and I rolled on instinct. As suspected the roof filled with guards, my muscles snapped to attention and without further ado I set to work. Twisting, ripping, destroying. It all felt good to me, I was fluid like a liquid, never stopping, always on the move painting my path with a river of red. I hadn't been in a messy massacre for ages as most missions required a refined approach. But this, this was good, I could do this. Destroying was in my nature, it gave me a release from the fury that whipped up a maelstrom of confusion and pain inside me. I needed an outlet to stop myself imploding more than I had already. The guards lay broken and bleeding all around me, I was covered in a thick layer of blood and my borrowed jacket was in need of another clean. I stepped down through the hatch and disposed of my target. Throughout the night I hit three targets and at each one managed to gain more data on HYDRA. That night I stayed away from the base, instead I went to a safe house and moved through the door up into the flat that we had shared on occasion when either of us had a particularly bad night. It felt cold and empty like a grave, like me. I cleared a space and began to shadow fight, it is a method like tai chi. My emotions slowly calm, spreading out within myself like a well used muscle. I could feel every movement of them, every shiver. Firmly locking the negative emotions away and concentrating solely on relaxing allowed me to start to heal slightly. This healing was like the first tentative scabbing over a deep wound, not enough to dam the tide but just enough to break it slightly. I stayed like this for hours, completely aware of my surroundings but in a state of meditative rest. Finally, near dawn I opened my eyes and went to work, planning my revenge and my death. After four days of alternate meditation and frenzied planning I had more of an idea as to how I would complete both missions. I packed up, stashed my information and the laptop and returned to the red room. As I entered the door, a bursting pain exploded in my head and the world went dark. A staccato burst of noise around me forced my groggy head to clear. I was immobilized and had been taken out by a blow to the head with the butt of an assault rifle, if the lump forming on the side of my head was anything to go by. The noise was the start of an engine that was transporting us somewhere. I tried to keep track of the street but the two guards started prodding me, to distract me I guessed. I passed out again and woke strapped into a chair and covered in needles and tubes. "We injected the winter soldier with this serum before you joined us, it increases the rate of healing and lengthens your life exponentially. Meaning that you will be inherited down the line, over and over again. It needs one set of serum and will last for as long as you can imagine." I barely contained the cry of despair that threatened to leave my throat. I want to die! You can't take away my right to die, not after what I have planned, no no no no no. My silent pleas fell on deaf ears and I couldn't stop myself from screaming at the pain. It was debilitating, the pain was unreal it felt like every cell of my body was ripping apart from its neighbors and trying to burn its way out of me. It was like a bramble being drawn slowly through my brain, clawing at memories and my identity. After what felt like hours the pain stopped and I collapsed exhausted against my restraints. "Time to test your capabilities now then" the voice was acidic with barely contained excitement and sadism. The torture went on for days, then weeks and finally months. Every day I was brought to the brink of death then allowed to heal for a short amount of time before the pain was repeated. They took samples of skin and spinal fluid, that must have been the most painful. They would make me start the drill that would pierce my spine then strap me down and drill. They never gagged me as the wanted the full reaction. Lack of food and water took it's toll and I began to drift in and out of consciousness, everything was a pain filled blur. My personality and identity was gone or buried so deep I had nearly no hope of finding it, finally I was the machine that they wanted. A vicious single minded killing machine, with no will to do anything other than the assignment and then return like a whipped dog still trying to win approval. About a year must have passed since he left and didn't come back, abandoning me to this pain and suffering alone. Alone was a blessing for me now, I had no privacy, no place to curl up and metaphorically lick my wounds. A team of scientists would constantly experiment on me and now guards took it upon themselves to keep me awake. Slowly, ever so slowly I was being worn down, occasionally rare burst of energy would explode within me and I had killed about ten guards and four scientists as well as trashing several key machines. These outbursts were inevitably followed by even more energetic bursts of torture which wore me down even further. When I was fed, the meager amount of food was laced with hallucinogenics that left me crippled and screaming on the floor. They usually featured him dead or dying but occasionally it featured me dying at his hands and the pain I felt washed through me over and over. I tried turning down food but was beaten senseless then force fed. Nightmares were a regular occurrence, when I did sleep I was driven screaming and crying to the walls where I scrabbled weakly against the walls to try and find some support but they were hard and unyielding. All of a sudden this finished and I was thrown back into training, but the nightmares featuring scientists and death followed me where ever I went. However hard I tried I couldn't reach my meditative plane and as such was suffering greatly through lack of sleep. If I hadn't before then I certainly looked like a zombie now. I was obsessive about finding Steve Rogers and killing him, then trying to die as well. I needed to die at least them I could sleep and join my partner and my parents. I never met them but I would like to. Mirrors were a massive problem, after shattering all of the mirrors in my apartment that I was given I sat and rocked, ignoring the blood that was running from my knuckles and on to the carpet. I sat opposite the door and when it opened I leapt for the throat of the person entering, I dodged their arm thrown up to protect them and slashed out with my hand, killing them instantly by crushing their windpipe. A truly animalistic snarl dashed across my face as I backed away into my previously occupied area. Lack of food and sleep along with constant pain made me drowsy, but I was terrified of the monsters that awaited me after dark.


	4. When the shit hits the fan it gets messy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its been so long since i updated, currently ripping out and redoing the whole upstairs part of my house so not a lot of time for writing :/ also i lost motivation on it but on a whim looked at it and started to sort out where I am trying to go with this :) if you notice anything weird let me know

Terror led her to avoid sleeping, but this in turn fueled the terror as her tired mind had no defenses left. The scientists just walked through her brain, looking at her responses to pain and fear, they constantly kept her on various serums and tested her over and over again. All traces of emotion had vanished from her, in fact her responses were getting weaker as the exhaustion kicked in. Eventually they found a serum that was a weaker version of the super soldier serum. It didn't increase or decrease any of her mentality it was purely physical. To look at her she was no different but raw strength flowed through every fiber of her body. After this she was thrown back into intensive fight training once more. In the space of two weeks she was once more at the skill level and standard of the worlds best assassin. The training had finally made her exhaustion too extreme to be avoided, so for the first time in months maybe years she slept through the night. She woke up every hour or so screaming and crying but was always dragged back into a coma like sleep every time. Only she knows what horrors awaited her behind closed eyelids but try as she might even she could not evade sleep forever. The amount of food she got was increased and was always full of the serum, the more serum administrated the more emotionless she became. After a week of the serum she was deemed to have enough of it her body to last a century if not more. It would make killing her extremely hard due to the raised metabolism and healing rate. A broken leg for example would take an hour at most to heal. For some reason any injuries sustained before the serum scarred but did not disappear whereas the ones afterwards disappeared completely.  
About a week after she had finished training a suit visited her in the gym. A pile of broken punching bags lay against one wall, so she had switched to one filled with bricks. The pale canvas wrapped round the bag was stained with blood from her split knuckles that split then healed then split again. Around her eyes black was smeared and her hair hung lankly in a loose ponytail, her bare shoulders were covered in sweat and beneath the top of her vest you could make out scars lacing across her back and the stab wound in her shoulder. Her upper body was covered with lean, wiry muscles that fitted her frame perfectly, she was covered with a layer of toned and deadly muscle. She looked dangerous once more and her whole body thrummed with life, the only place you could see difference was the empty eyes as cold as a tomb that forced people to break eye contact even before it had begun. Her metal arm glinted dimly in the dirty yellow light. "Hello Nightshade, how are you?" the suit had a smooth voice that put her on edge even though she knew how to hide it. She glanced at him then re-attacked the bag making him wait for an answer. If the suit thought that he had control in this situation then this was a wake up call. Eventually she turned away from the bag to face him and gave him a non committal shrug, still muted by her vow. He held out a familiar brown paper envelope which she indicated to be placed on the bench next to her. She fixed him with a stare and waited for any more information, when none was forthcoming she simply inclined her head and laced a horrible mutilated smile across her face. He seemed disturbed and left in a hurry. There was a slight sense of disappointment emanating from her, they usually send someone less easily scared than that. A confrontation would have nicely broken up the monotony of her life. She watched him leave then shook her head before opening the envelope. The first thing that fell out was a picture of Steve Rogers. She froze and stared, her hands clenched into a fist, crumpling the picture. After an age she opened her hands and straightened the picture out. She was to go on a surveillance mission on the avengers tower. No killing, just undercover. A smirk worked its way across her face and she began to laugh. They really did have no idea what they were starting in sending her anywhere near the tower and her sworn victim. Captain America. She was tasked to leave in two weeks and the rest of the documents were SHIELD classified. They contained all sorts of information about Steve Rogers pre and post serum. In one folder was a picture of someone that was different but still recognizable. The name next to it was James 'Bucky' Barnes and he was listed as Steve Rogers best friend.

Nightshade

I knew him by a different name and could not imagine him anywhere else except where he had been. But that smiling face in the American army uniform had the same dark expressive eyes, the same cheekbones and jawline. My hatred for Steve flared up once more, what kind of man could kill his childhood friend. This gave me a whole new perspective on the matter, if Steve had no problem taking out his friend then he would be ruthless with me. A cruel grin flashed across my face, I would be ready and most of all I would welcome the brutal fight that I would face. Over the next two weeks I practically lived in the gym or the training room. I rapidly gained weight, the only thing that set me apart were the scars that rippled across my skin. I fired sniper accurate with every shot, in fact I could still hit a bulls eye with my eyes shut from 50 meters with a Glock 17. Not that I planned on using this skill, I did so want to be close enough to see the light leave his eyes. More than one trainer was dragged off the mats unconscious after a round against me. The best lasted five minutes max, before they left a hole that my quickened reactions and superior strength let me take advantage of. To be honest I got a better fight out of the punching bag than some of the soft and easily breakable people. The day of my departure rolled around and I put on the leather jacket along with his mask. I smeared the charcoal around my eyes, and turned and left not once looking in a mirror or window to see my reflection. Once I reached ground level a car was waiting, I shook my head took a running leap and disappeared onto the roof of the building opposite, I took a moment to re familiarize myself with the surroundings and then once fully orientated I set off towards the airport. I arrived at the same time as the van carrying my equipment. Two brand new Glocks, ten full magazines, a set of throwing knives and a memory stick later I was on the plane. A platoon of suits and guards waited, I guess they are my 'babysitters' to make sure I don't jeopardize the mission. As soon as I get there I will go along with the mission until I am up to date with the intelligence side of things and then depending on my mood give them the slip or just go through them to reach my target. Tony Stark is my worry as he possesses the almost sentient being JARVIS which means that he might be looking for any trace of us in the area. I might have to let off an EMP in the building but that will alert them to my presence, I could always investigate and find a loophole, then insert a virus to shut him down until rebooting. Its risky as he is sure to have all sorts of traps for intruders. I walked over to a suit and picked up his laptop and a length of lead, I took four other laptops and several cables and retired to an old store cupboard where I had decided to live for the next however long. It didn't take long before I had a set up that would enable me to hack JARVIS without being snagged on the way out, even if I was caught it didn't bother me as the only people getting the flak would be my babysitters. I planned to be long gone by the time JARVIS had alerted Tony as to the problem. After a week of close surveillance on the stark tower where the self proclaimed heroes resided I decided that sooner rather than later is best. It turns out that Dr Bruce banner is away in India so I had no hulk to worry about. Pepper Potts was Tony's weak spot, if something happened to her then he would be distracted enough to not be a problem. Thor was off planet and had been gone for a while, the two assassins were around but they were both preoccupied with SHIELD things so I was not particularly worried about them either. Besides, I knew the archer was easy and Natasha was trained the same way I was without the serum so it would be easy enough, even so I know full well that the black widow can bite if she has surprise, something that I will not allow her to get. The Captain was in the tower, as far as I can tell only the Captain, Stark and the two assassins are in residence and I had a plan to get most of them out the way. My first job was to get Pepper out of the way, I was not going to kill her pointlessly. She was an innocent and although I usually didn't care about the number of casualties, especially since... Anyway I found her to be quite an interesting person and a good influence on those around her. She had a planned journey across New York and out of the city the next day, it would be easy enough to lay spikes out then take her in the chaos that ensued. I set the trap across one of the narrow side streets surrounded by tall buildings, I had several get away vehicles around the area which would leave at speed without me and contain drones that looked like her in each. I however would enter a building then go through the maintenance tunnels into the drains, travel underground for a way then enter an underground bunker which she would have the run of but only Tony Stark can get into. After this I would lay breadcrumbs to the place and he would find her unharmed but possibly frightened and then spend an hour trying to get in. All of this would go off with out a hitch then I am hoping he will be pissed enough to kill me right there and then. If not for kidnapping his girl then killing his friend ought to do the trick. I left the building at midnight, sneaking out through the ventilation system and into the basement, then through the service chute under the building, re appearing further down the street. I had already moved my computer system and the majority of my weapons to a secure location where I would go to work against JARVIS. The thrill of the chase was a weight deep in my stomach, for the first time in a long while I felt alive. In one pocket was the picture of Steve Rogers and the other the picture of 'Bucky'. On my hips the Glocks hung one either side in their holster, I had spare ammunition for both around my belt. Throwing knives sat snugly on the inside of my jacket and a highly encrypted phone was a weight against my calf where it was in my pocket. I reached the ambush area and set up, I tipped petrol across the road and around an 'abandoned building'. A group of homeless were currently inhabiting the building, ready to join in my plan. The five fake vans were parked at intervals in the surrounding area, with the decoys in place. Each one had a phone that emitted the same signal as Pepper's, any scanners would register it as her phone. At eight thirty on the dot, a car with one escort turned the corner and began making its way down the streets. The spikes stopped the cars dead in their tracks then a circle of flame sprung up from the house next to them. The homeless started screaming and crying, one woman ran out screaming about her baby and pointing into the house. They were doing their job well enough that the CEO of stark industries sent her men in to help evacuate. I ran up behind her and took her arm, beckoning her away to a 'safe' distance. More flame sprung up between us and the security team. I slipped the needle into her arm and within seconds she had passed out. After that it was a walk in the park, the decoy vans worked wonderfully and all I had to deal with was an extremely pissed off Pepper. From this moment on it was a race of time, the fire should buy me more time but I couldn't count on it.

Nightshade's face was covered with a sheen of feverish sweat, a constant tremor ran through her body. These were the only things that gave away her emotional level once the mask was buckled back into place. She hacked JARVIS as quickly as possible but only managed to gain enough access to plant the trail before he shut her out again. When she arrived at Stark tower she enabled the device that she had made. It caused radio waves to bend round her location, meaning that JARVIS wouldn't be able to see her until she deactivated it. Getting in and to the right place was a breeze for someone so highly trained. "Sir, Miss Potts has been taken from her convoy, it appears premeditated due to the number of decoy vans and the breadcrumb trail that was implanted in my system" the next sound was of metal coming together. Stage two was under control and being undertaken, Nightshade stayed where she was crouched and removed one of her Glock 17's from her pocket and loaded it. The next moment Steve Rogers swept past and she stiffened, only the fact he was on a phone held her tightly strung muscles in place. Killing someone who was on the phone always ends up too complicated she had learnt that the hard way. Quietly she traced his steps, he entered an open plan room with a bar on one wall and sofas facing a huge TV on the other side. Such blatant richness could only belong to Tony Stark. The whole room screamed of an excess of money and an obsessive buying habit. The Captain sat down in one of the armchairs that looked out the huge windows, the busy daytime New York bustled restlessly on the streets as people hurried to get to nowhere in particular, each convinced that their mission was more important than everyone else's. So quietly that it was almost silent, Nightshade stalked across the room towards him, pulling knives free as she walked, a truly terrifying snarl crossed her face and she grinned a twisted and malicious smile. She lunged over the back of the sofa for him and with a startled yell they end up on the floor. Her training kicked in and she rolled away and spun to face him. He was getting up slowly, his face a mask of shock then a flash of recognition before she attacked again, enveloping him in a whirlwind of blows. His fist connected with her lower abdomen and with a gasp she went flying backwards into the wall. She hit her head and a gash opened up above her right ear. With blood running down her head and neck she stood shakily then regarded him with a terrifying glare. Her body was poised and her metal hand clenched into a tightly furled fist, her cut was already closing up and the blood was congealing on the side of her face. "Wait, you don't.." As soon as he opened his mouth she was on him, throwing punches that he was hard pressed to block, with her left arm she broke his nose when she caught him with her metal forearm. He coughed and brought his legs up, managing to kick her off. Taking advantage of her downed state he grabbed her by the neck and slammed her into the wall "Why? Why cant you let me win this? I need to! YOU KILLED HIM!! You deserve to die for that not me. I need to finish what he started, to honor his memory. You killed him and now I have nothing. I have waited years for this, Years to kill you. You will not take that from me! You cant." Her voice was scratchy and quiet from disuse and cracked from the emotion running through it but the unmistakable grief and the promise of retribution lent a sinister edge to it, now she had delivered her message all she had to do was kill him. She made eye contact and attempted to plunge the knife concealed in her right hand deep into his chest but he saw it coming and twisted away, the knife caught him in the lower abdomen instead and he stumbled backwards, the intricately carved knife handle marooned in a river of red that was spreading. He was on his knees, covered in sweat, one hand clutched to the knife the other reaching out towards her in a vaguely placating manner. She ignored it and stalked towards him another knife at the ready, one arm covered in blood, the other made of steel. "I didn't kill him!" Steve gasped out, she laughed at him, a horrible mockery of a laugh that was hollow like a grave then kicked him onto his side, he cried out and curled up." Don't lie to me boy. You killed him..." In that instant a body hit her from the side, the momentum taking her off her feet and towards the window. Before they had stopped moving she had flipped and was already back on her feet, she kicked out at where the person should have been when her foot didn't connect she turned around and froze for a fraction of a second before an explosive burst of movement had her back to the wall. "No, no no no no no, not now. Please not now. I'm sorry, I'm sorry just stay away, NO No don't come close please no!!" She was pushed as far into the corner as possible, cowering down, tears tracked down her ghostly pale face as she frantically tried to move away from the person stood in front of her. Steve had found a first aid kit and was removing the knife. Her hands flitted between her face and her hair, she was talking to herself quickly, muttering something underneath her breath. "I will kill him I promise. That's why I am here, so you can rest knowing your job is done. Please just stop, stay away from me, I want the living you back not your memory. You look so real...." Her voice tailed off in confusion she was hysterical, Bucky crouched down and reached out to her prompting a scream of "Dont touch me." He backed up and sat down, keeping his hands in plain sight. Steve had succeeded in bandaging himself and stood up and left. Her shoulder sagged as she heard him leave. "I have failed you.. I'm sorry." Bucky shook his head and reached for her but she ignored him and pulled the loaded Glock out of its holster, she cocked it and placed it against her forehead in one smooth movement. Bucky dived for it and as he collided with her the gun skittered across the floor out of reach. She was flat out on the floor on her back with him half across her. "Please tell me that I am not going to wake up back in that cell." With shaking hands she reached up and touched his face, her face betraying her shock and hope at the discovery that the man she was willing to die for was alive. "How...I don't..." she stuttered out, eyes hungrily taking in the sight of his face. He promised her that they would explain later then rolled off her and held out his hand to help her up, dazedly she took it and climbed slowly but gracefully to her feet.


	5. Is it better to forget?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter down. Not sure how many left, this is very much a spontaneous work. It is happening as I go along with no planning. So sorry for any typos :) happy October Holiday.

She couldn't stop looking at him, the face that she had mourned for over the past year. The face that pulled her through the darkest days and kept her in silent dignity throughout the pain and suffering that had been wrought upon her mind, body and soul. He stared right back, it was a silent communication, filled with things that needed to be said but neither could bring themselves to break the peace that emanated from both. Steve turned away because of the intensity of the moment, he could almost feel the emotion strung like wool between them. He stood looking out the window, but his attention was firmly on the feral woman with the metal arm sat on Tony Stark's couch. He didn't trust her at all, she had proved to be a deadly fighter with no qualms about killing him. As he had held her pinned, just before she attempted to end his life with the knife, he had looked into her black eyes and seen so much pain and so much anger that he had wanted to shrink away from her. There was no hint of remorse, only piles of bodies reflected from inside her mind. This was an enemy who had nothing to lose. Only the grief that bloomed in plain sight behind her tormented eyes had brought a human edge to her, with a shiver he remembered the vow that had been witnessed in that small room. A woman, no more than a girl had sat surrounded by the destruction she had caused, splattered in blood and vowed to never speak until she killed him. Her voice when he had heard it was different than it was before. This was the voice of a person on the edge, a person who will bring everyone around them down in flames if it brings them relief from the blistering inferno that lies within. Hearing movement Steve turned round and saw Bucky reaching for her face, he could see the tension that ran through her body, that well concealed tremor, the brief glimmer of fear across the part of her face that showed. She closed her eyes but Steve could feel the effort that she was making to stay in place and not shy away from Bucky's hand. Bucky's face filled with pain and anger at the fear that was coursing through her. Slowly he unbuckled the mask and pulled it off her face. She opened her eyes and gave a sigh of release, obviously intent on ignoring her reaction to Bucky. "I'm sorry" it was barely a whisper but it was there, a tear rolled down her cheek and fell onto her leg, "if you hadn't stopped me....." Tears were falling in earnest now and her breathing was quickly heading for a panic attack. "I was going to kill him, I would have done it too." Bucky grabbed her hand "No, you listen to me right now, none of this is your fault.. I shouldn't have left you, I was going to come back but I was ill and gone, HYDRA said they killed you. I.... Failed.....you" she stared at him the whole time he said this, tears still rolling down her cheek. All she said was, "if it were you who let me down, I wouldn't still be sat here." 

Steve decided now was the best time to ask the question that had been brewing for ages, "err so where is Tony?" Her face dropped for a second before picking up again and a nervous quirk of the lips touched her face. It wasn't a smile, she was not healed enough yet for her smiles to grace the world."Ah about that.... I kidnapped Pepper, Tony was supposed to get back here and kill me. But as it appears I won't be needing his service anymore I should probably go." Bucky shook his head at her but a smirk was playing across his lips. Steve pretended not to see the pain that flashed across his face when she mentioned suicide, he understood. Bucky had been near suicidal when he realized what he had spent the last years doing and how big the piles of bodies were. That was a dark time for everyone, SHIELD was gone, they had a dangerous criminal, that also happened to be Steve's childhood friend, living under their roof and to top it all off he was suicidal and spent weeks refusing food and not talking to anyone but himself. The name Nightshade was heard so many times, then he had started talking. Told them everything he knew and more that he suspected. The only thing he steered clear of was the girl. The girl that was currently covered in bloody clothes sat on the couch surrounded by superheroes talking about suicide and kidnapping Tony Stark's best friend and ex lover. "If you hurt Pepper then.." Steve began to splutter, "then what? I'm a dead woman? You will kill me? Tough luck, she is fine, just a little woozy from the drug but that's all. I was in a nice mood, decided to minimize the body count to two, for clarification that's me and you" her voice was rapidly warming up and becoming smoother and had a larger range of pitch than before. "Heads up on how pissed Tony is gonna be would be greatly appreciated" Bucky's low voice was tinged with a hint of wry humor as he stretched and glanced at the ceiling. "Mister Barnes, I can inform you that mister Stark has found and retrieved miss Potts, might I warn you that she is also a force to be reckoned with and you appear to have placed them both in foul moods if the language I can hear is anything to go by." JARVIS's cynical voice informed them, Steve was so used to it that he continued to gaze around the room, Bucky spared a slightly disconcerted glance at the ceiling but let it slip. The cause of the trouble sat bolt upright, then glared frantically at the ceiling, her metal hand clenching and unclenching with distress. Bucky reassured her and she gradually relaxed, well not relaxed but her posture became more easy and less tense. Her musings were cut short when a 'ping' signified the entrance of one fuming billionaire and one equally angry CEO into the room. In a second she had spun and was standing back to the wall, eyes darting between the other people currently in the room. Pepper froze and raised her hand to cover her mouth, without a word the armor reassembled around Tony and he raised his hand, the repulsor glowing menacingly. "Steve, step round this side away from her, Bucky just slowly back away" Tony sounded remarkably calm considering the situation. Bucky stood up and went to step in between her and Tony, without a glance at Bucky iron man raised another weapon and aimed it at him, the message was simple. Glancing helplessly at the woman stood shifting her weight from one foot to the other, her hands steady around a knife she had quickly pulled from her boot, her breathing deep and easy, her eyes unblinking as they stared at the metal mask. "There is an explanation for....." Bucky and Steve tried to get Tony to listen but he remained unmoving, staring at the assassin stood ready to fight against him. Bucky signaled frantically for nightshade to lower the knife, but if she saw him she didn't react in anyway. "What. Did. You. Take. Pepper. For?" The words were like gunshots, each laced with malice and the promise of pain, but it had a computerized note to it which warped his voice slightly. She stood unblinking and gave a one word reply, "distraction" and with that she straightened, dropped the knife and quirked her head to the side. She took a pace towards Tony then paused, when there was no reaction she took another and another until his outstretched hand was against her left shoulder. "If I had come to this tower and completed my mission then right now I would tell you to fire away. I would dare you to put a hole in my heart bigger than the one he did (at which point she gestured to Bucky with out looking away from Tony) but I came here and fought instead and then somehow he is still alive. Therefore I am asking you not to put any holes in me as of yet." With that she nodded her head and went to step round him to speak to Pepper. A metal hand caught her shoulder and she hissed in pain as it nudged her arm but paused nonetheless, respecting the distance. "Lady Pepper, I hope you are no worse off for your ordeal, I refused to kill you as I quite admire the way you have most of the world tucked under your little thumb. Anyway I apologize for the basement, I needed Stark here to be pissed enough to end my life with no questions asked. I was hoping that you being taken along with the on so tragic death of our American hero would place him in a blind rage, in fact I was counting on it." Here she nodded her head, turned her back and walked away. The sound of the armor disassembling, reminded her of the various machines in the laboratory and she cringed automatically. This was noted and questioning glances passed between those who noticed. Bucky took the chance to escort her out the room and to his floor. 

Once there, he led her through this bathroom, " I guess you might want a shower..? You can stay on my floor until it is decided what happens next." Once again the smirk crossed her face but he thought her eyes looked so old and tired that his heart almost broke for her. He turned away and walked down the corridor towards his own kitchen. "Errm how do... How do you use the shower?"The hesitation in her voice once again brought home how much suffering she had been through whilst he was living it up in New York dealing with Steve's temper tantrums. He turned and nodded before entering and showing her how to control the showers temperature and pressure. "I will try and find you some clothes" he promised before leaving and closing the door. Half an hour later she emerged to find a pile of clothes, there were black skinny jeans, a tight vest and a baggy jumper, she walked out in the vest and jeans and went looking for company. Bucky was sat in his lounge pretending to read but actually waiting for her to finish up. He was nervous when she was out of his sight and god knows how she felt in this strange new world with the new him let alone without him at all. He heard her footsteps coming down the corridor, years listening out for her feather light tread had him trained well to pick up the sounds of her stealthy movements. She entered carrying the jumper, as her hair was dripping down her back. "Hair dryer. Come with me, I will dry your hair for you." She looked surprised but followed with no protest and padded down the plush carpeted hall to his bedroom. He pulled up a stool in front of a mirror and gestured to it. She was as white as a sheet but approached gingerly, eyes looking everywhere except the mirror. Noticing her discomfort he reach out and put a sheet across the mirror. With a grateful glance she perched gracefully on the stool he had set out for her. As he began to dry her hair he noticed the thick congealed scar of the stab wound, on her shoulder but that was all. However as he reached to ends of her hair he saw the thick silvery lines cross crossing backwards and forwards across her lean fighters body. "They weren't the worst bit." She had noticed his hesitation, "oh sure I wanted to die, you were gone and I was not, only the vow I swore and my memory of your face and voice kept me going through those weeks of starvation and pain. At the time I thought I had reached rock bottom. But looking back now, the fun hadn't even started yet. They gave me hallucinogens, I saw terrible things in mirrors and behind my eyelids. Every time I tried to sleep the nightmares burned through me. I never slept, I couldn't. As soon as my eyes closed they filled the room with gas, or new thought up torments, enough to drive a weak person mad. Some times I thought they had succeeded. The times I spent rocking backwards and forwards whilst the created demons called to me from the pits whence they came. Backward and forwards, on and on, round and round. It continued, I screamed myself hoarse so many times. My voice was gone, you were gone, I was gone. Then it stopped. I killed the first man who stepped in my room, and the second and then every man after that till they shot me with a tranquilizer and strapped me to a chair. Injected me with serum and sent me out here." Her voice cracked and broke, it sounded hollow and haunted as she recounted her last year in Russia. Her muscles tightened and rolled under her skin as she slowly turned to face him and stood up. His arms wrapped round her and she tensed in surprise at this latest development, but after a moment leaned in. When he pulled back, his cheeks were damp and his dark expressive eyes were flooded with sadness and a fierce promise. Her eyes were heartbreakingly sad, they were filled with the pain of a thousand lives but deep down, so far off it was nearly extinguished, the bright flame of hope smoldered gently in the depths. "I swear to you that they will never get their hands on you again. They can try, in fact I relish it, I swear on my honor that we will take HYDRA down, if it kills me I will protect you from them." His voice was like rough velvet, all the caress of a lover yet the grief of the bereaved. She looked at him, her arms still around his waist and said nothing, but the joy and daring hope that flittered across her face with all the innocence of a child at Christmas said just enough on its own. With her hair now dry they headed for the main floor. "JARVIS, can you tell Tony we are on our way to the meeting room". The computerized voice replied with the affirmative. Nightshade surreptitiously cast her eyes around the room, constantly sweeping for danger. Bucky watched her out the corner of his eyes, easily falling back into the pattern that they had known whilst on operations. He sighed, obviously he was not rehabilitated as well as he had thought. Maybe it was her tense and adrenaline filled attitude that had him on edge, or just the fear of her instability. It was worrying how easily she had spoken about dying and the lack of tremor in her hands as she had held the loaded gun to her own forehead. A tremor ran through his body and in a split second she had frozen, watching him and the room to ascertain what had caused his reaction. He lifted one shoulder and carried on walking now aware of the dark eyes casting concerned glances at him whilst they walked. That was absurd, she had been through hell and yet she was concerned for him. It made him feel even guiltier for leaving her there. By now they had arrived at the elevator, she stopped and stared at the door clenching her hands. Side by side they stepped into the elevator. She was ghostly pale and covered in a thin sheen of sweat. Her hands stayed balled into fists and she was breathing hard, her eyes were unfocused and haunted, staring at something only she could see. Bucky could see the outline of her tensed muscles in her back and shoulders. With a loud 'ping" the doors slid open and she leapt for the door. She skidded across the floor, turning in midair to watch the rest of the room. Nightshade sat huddled in the corner with her head on her knees, breathing deeply and trying to dispel the all consuming tidal wave of panic that was trying to drown her. Bucky crouched down in front of her and started talking. He sent whispered promises and reassurances her way. This is how the rest of the avengers found them. Nightshade going to pieces and Bucky trying desperately to hold her together. As she became aware of the presences in the room, her shields flew up. Her breathing and heart rate slowed "you don't have to do that you know.." Bucky knew what it looked like when a person built themselves a wall to hide behind. He was THE wall maker after all. "Let's just say trust is not a strong point shall we?" Tony sniped in the background, clearly still miffed at Pepper's involvement. Her head snapped up and she stood slowly and gracefully, all the while keeping eye contact. A smirk crept onto her face as she rounded the table towards him. Her keen eyes noticed the tiny movements of him activating the sensors to call the suit. She stopped walking "and I'm the one with trust issues" she stuck her hand out and greeted him. "Touché my friend, touché" he drew out the last touché. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief as she walked back around the table to stand slightly behind Bucky. She was so close she was almost leaning on him. His hand touched her arm for a moment and they shared a look. The rest of the room watched as the two HYDRA agents held the eye contact for a few seconds then dropped it. A message had clearly been passed as Bucky was nodding thoughtfully. Her expressions were a lot harder to read, due to her being a new face and a highly trained assassin. The positioning of the people in the room was rather interesting. On the side of the room that was furthest from the door there was Bucky and nightshade. Steve was closer to the two of them than the rest of the room but he strategically placed Bucky between himself and her. Tony stood at the front of the room, next to Steve. Bruce was on the computer screen as he was indisposed at that point in time. Nightshade began to tell her stories, she skipped the details of their 'rehabilitation program' and then continued to tell up until the point where Bucky stopped her from killing herself and Steve. " I remember a name, every now and then, like it pops into existence when I am not looking for it but if I focus too hard it slips away....." The frustration in her voice was easy to hear "I think... Yes, it's Anna. There is no second name... Just that word." Her brow was creased in concentration. The onlookers felt a sudden surge of pity, how must it feel to be given a name and be forced to forget your own. To have all things stripped away. They exchanged glances, just after this stage came the suicidal depression, Steve had managed to educate Bucky on his former life but Anna would have no such help.


	6. The Ghosts behind her Eyes

That evening, found Tony in his workshop whilst the rest of the avengers were eating huge amounts of pizza. The kidnap of pepper had brought up too many old nightmares, so, as he always did when days like this happened he was hiding behind his technology. By 3 am all of the avengers had gone to bed, but Tony noticed something whilst doing a visual check of the tower. The assassin was sat in the lounge still, she was rocking backwards and forwards and muttering quietly to herself. Intrigued, Tony left his workshop and headed up to the main floor. Although the elevator doors opened silently, Tony knew that the girl....no, that Anna was aware of his presence. Even so she didn't react at all to him, just continued to stare into the distance and worry at the piece of fabric that she had between her hands. He started to cover the distance towards her before stopping and heading to the bar and grabbing a bottle of whiskey. Tony figured that it was a bad sign when she still hadn't shown any sign of being aware of him stood a couple of feet away. JARVIS had replayed her previous fights to help appease Tony's curiosity and so Tony walked round to approach her directly, instinctively knowing that to surprise her could possibly end with him fatally injured or dead. The pause seemed to stretch on for hours before eventually Anna lifted her head to look at him. In response Tony handed her a glass and the bottle, although she ignored the glass and swigged the amber liquid straight from the bottle before handing it back. Tony reached for it and went to wipe the top but her rich voice broke the silence. "You know that wiping the top is an insult? I'm one of the people that its not good to insult" Her tone was light and questioning and that just made it much more menacing. Ever aware of the dark eyes that scrutinized his face, Tony stared her out and raised the bottle to his mouth and raised an eyebrow. She smirked slightly then looked down and away, in the brief moments that their eyes had met, Tony read a million emotions all bubbling away beneath her carefully constructed mask. It made the hairs rise on the back of his neck, soon she raised her head again and the mask was seamlessly back in place. After a short while, Tony pulled out a tablet and began typing, he still needed to work on upgrades for his suit. About an hour later, he looked up and saw to his surprise that Anna had gone.

The next morning, Bucky awoke early to find Anna all ready awake and pacing. She looked like a caged animal as she paced his lounge, her head hanging and her hands balled in frustration as she strode up and down the same length of carpeted floor. Bucky opened the door and stepped in to the room, she looked up immediately and came towards him. Her face looked smooth and ageless as usual but the skin around her eyes drooped slightly highlighting the lack of sleep. Her eyes were still haunted and spooked although she tried to hide it and very nearly succeeded. Bucky could read her better than anyone but he was out of practice so she might have succeeded, had her demons not been so large or numerous. It still sent a vicious flash of anger right to his core when he saw the pain in her eyes. She stopped a few feet away and looked at him with her head cocked slightly to the side. "you doing okay?" it was a lousy greeting and they both knew it. The minute his mouth had closed he kicked himself. He knew better than anyone else what she might have been feeling and he also knew that endless questioning did not help and your mood most certainly did not improve when asked about it every five minutes or so. "Scrap that, lousy question. Do you want breakfast?" Anna nodded her affirmative and together they tuned and walked out into the hallway. She was still walking very close and sweeping for danger. It put him on edge and he was going to ask her to stop but figured that it would only undermine her recovery if he pushed her away. They reached the elevator and JARVIS opened the doors as they came along the corridor, once again she closed her eyes and walked in slowly, her eyes only opened again when Bucky shook her to get her to move. Her mind had locked down into zombie mode, it was brought on by fear and pain as a coping mechanism. She locked herself away and buried it deep, damping down the flame inside her. It was a way to deal with torture or extreme stress and fear, It was excruciating to watch and even harder to get her back to him again once she had shut down like that. He touched her arm and she leant into the contact slightly. Steve and Tony looked up from their places on the sofa when the door to the elevator opened. They saw Bucky lead the girl out of the elevator and into the room. Her face was blank and unresponsive, she looked like a moving corpse. Bucky looked stricken, he held her face between his hands and put their foreheads together and began murmuring in soft tones to her whilst gesturing the other men up and out of the room. Slowly she began to come back, and when she did it was with fight and pure, blind panic. Her hands snapped up and she fought blindly, reeling like a drunk yet still graceful and deadly. She managed to land about the same amount of hits that Bucky managed to avoid in his desperate attempts to get through to her. Upon hearing the commotion Steve and Tony waded back in to try and help. Not seeing the frantic gestures from Bucky, Steve wrapped his hands around her waist and held on tightly. He tried in vain to catch her hands and to avoid her attempts at electrocution. Bucky wiped the blood off his face and headed back towards the screaming woman, who by now was consumed by fear of being restrained and was screaming for them to let her go, struggling desperately to wriggle out of Steve's grip. At Bucky's request Steve eventually released her and she shot forward like an arrow and into the corner, her back to the wall as she tried desperately to get away, screaming the whole time in heart breaking and terrified tones. Finding the wall comfortless she fled like a wild animal around the room evading all three of them as she left a wake of destruction behind her. She finally found a door and opened it before crashing through the kitchen and continuing to run. She ran until she could run no more and then tried to find sanctuary in hiding. Dashing into an empty guest bedroom she slammed the door and crawled under the bed with tears still streaming from her traumatized eyes.

Bucky found her there a hour later after being reliably informed by JARVIS that she had calmed down. He knocked quietly on the door then opened it, to all appearances the room was empty but he knew differently, he could sense her in there. Her very persona filled the room "Anna?" he called out before walking surreptitiously towards the bed. He crouched down and there, behind it was the girl. She was reasonable again now and although her striking face was now showing its careworn creases and crevices carved by months of pain and sorrow, she looked better if only slightly and some of the tension had gone from her shoulders and back. Bucky said nothing and lowered himself down next to her, so their shoulders and hips were close but not quite touching. He waited to let her bridge the gap and after what felt like an age she did. They sat like this in silence for a while, each deep in their own thoughts, Bucky was remembering all the other times they had sat like this. Back in Russia they had sat close but not touching at first and then as time went on they both, almost unconsciously, moved closer together. Her face was still open, the reminder of the horror and fear too fresh in her mind for the mask to go back up. He didn't talk, or push her to talk knowing from his own experience that she would talk only when she wanted to and if he pushed her the barriers would go straight up. For an age they sat this close, each taking comfort from the silence and the peaceful breathing of the person next to them. Eventually she began to speak in a voice that cracked and broke under the weight of emotion threatening to overtake her. "When I saw that you had..." Her voice fell to a whisper "died" then rose again. "My world ended. I was enveloped in a maelstrom of pure hatred and pain, I blamed myself and punished myself accordingly, I went over it so many times, always saying that if I had just watched my back then I would have flown to America with you instead of being remade in a dingy Russian cellar. I'm guessing that you saw what happened next." Her voice was raw and filled with self loathing and anger. Bucky's face was unreadable but his hand was clenched and his jaw tight. "I killed as many as I could but eventually I lost the will to fight, started screaming and crying but not once did I talk. After days of starvation the world was going blurry round the edges. My tongue felt heavy and cumbersome and merely lifting my head was a terrible effort. I thought I was going to die, and I was grateful, I welcomed it despite my vow. And then....... then I thought of you. You saved me before and you saved me then. I couldn't think, my mind was just filled with this huge black space. I couldn't think around it, something would appear on the edge of my consciousness and I tried to grasp it but it slipped away and danced just out of reach. The pain in my head was explosive, it seemed that every cell in my brain was pulling apart for each other in a desperate attempt to escape the clutches of dehydration, and then, then I blacked out. I woke in a hospital bed with several wires protruding from me. I was chained to the table and had so many drugs pumped into me that no matter how hard I tried to cling onto consciousness I couldn't. It was like hanging onto the edge of a cliff until your hands are raw and bloodied and every muscle in your body is screaming at you to let go. And I did let go, because the only thing that keeps you hanging on so far past the limits of your own endurance is the brain and its cocktail of fear and hope. It uses the hope that someone, anyone, will walk past and save you therefore you have to hold on. If you have hope then you can resist anything. A slave may be wrapped in chains and own nothing, not even his own name and still be a free man for hope lets him control his own mind and if you can control your mind then you can do anything. Hope is an energizer whereas fear is in most doses a paralytic. Very few people can use fear to motivate them in a positive way. That is why hope is the most dangerous weapon and that is why the next thing I knew I was strapped into the cryo chair with what seemed to be huge quantities of serum pumped into me, if you haven't got control over you own mind then you are nothing, they already owned my body and after the serum they were well on their way to owning my mind too. Then they hung me from the ceiling by my wrists and beat me until I threw up and then they continued for days and weeks, after a fortnight I was taken down but by this time I couldn't walk, I could hardly see let alone think. The vast amounts of serum in me meant that, at first I was pretty much healed by the next day. But they changed the game and I was beaten constantly. They adapted the serum, I still heal as quickly as you but I scar, my back is a mess of silver lines and rough torn up skin. I thought it couldn't get worse, forgetting of course that I could heal these wounds and the psychological damage, although lasting wouldn't be serious. So they fed me hallucinogens, every meal, every drink was laced. I went mad, just screaming and screaming and smashing things and there was no way out of it, it went on and on like a nightmare that you can't end by waking up. I was beaten down, completely taken apart until I was just a vessel fueled by the darkest emotions and the drugs still reeking havoc though my abused body . I stormed and raged like a cyclone inside a tiny glass bottle. And then, then it stopped. I remember waking up one morning and waiting for the demons that didn't come. By this stage I was so tightly wound that any missions I was sent on invariably led to bloodbaths and then more punishment. Finally the call came through that I was coming to do surveillance on the avengers tower. Now the very people that I was built to destroy are offering me a chance at a future. Not a future of being controlled but a normal future. But what we did was never normal, I don't know how to be normal, how can we be normal after the things we have seen and done? Tears were rolling down her face but her whole body radiated anger. Gradually the emotion took its toll and her body was slumped back and her eyes showed her thoughts to be miles away. Bucky was still furious, he clenched and unclenched his hands, his face filled with the deadly promise to end HYDRA and to find the people who did this personally. He turned his head to look at her and after a moment she returned the look. Her eyes showed a plethora of different emotions but the stricken pain in them made him want to look away, her eyes were no longer cold and dead like the inside of a coffin. They were a haunted graveyard filled with the ghosts of the past . She came back to herself and he watched in mild fascination as she pulled herself together and the pain and fear sunk down, deep in her eyes. So deep that if you didn't know it was there then you might not even see it, but he did know it was there and it bothered him immensely. She cleared her throat, a hint of amusement coloring her tone and he started then realized that Anna was waiting for an answer. After a thoughtful pause he opened his mouth "It was never your fault you know? I want you to remember that if nothing else." She started to protest but he continued "I like to think that I have settled in to normality though....." She snorted then smirked, still not quite a smile but it took some of the hard lines off her face "normality huh? Did you think I wouldn't have noticed how you still sweep a room when you enter and if possible you keep a wall at your back. That's not 'normal' is it?" now it was his turn to protest but she just lunged for his boot and grabbed the knife hidden there. He looked down then lunged after her, she was expecting it and danced out of the way before opening the door and dashing down the hallway opposite. Here she skidded to a stop as a huge room faced her, there were training mats and archery targets as well as your bog standard gym equipment. She stepped up to the mat then turned and faced the door. Bucky skidded to a stop then grinned, "So..... this is what we are doing is it?" she beckoned "If you think you still have it" and then the two assassins faced off, each one becoming the cold, hard fighting creatures that they had been trained to be.


	7. Two steps forward and One huge step backwards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: attempted suicide in this chapter.

JARVIS came through the speakers. "sir, in response to your enquiry I can inform you that the two assassins have moved to the training room and appear to be preparing to fight." The avengers sat round in the lounge looked at each other and then they all rose and headed to watch. Tony, Steve, Natasha, Clint and Bruce arrived just before the start of the fight.

They circled each other, looking for the advantage that would leave the other open. Both so absorbed that they didn't notice the silent crowd watching from outside the gym. Suddenly Anna lunged for his head then dummied and swung her leg round low to the ground in an attempt to pull his leg out from under him and unbalance him. Amazingly he kept his balance and punched towards her midriff hard, she jumped backwards out of range and the hit just caught her tight stomach. She twisted like a cat and caught his arm between her legs and kept twisting she managed to flip him and as she turned to follow up her move he was already standing and he threw her across the mats. She recovered in mid air and landed lightly on her feet and charged. looking as if to trip him and then threw all her body weight onto him causing him to stumble backwards. As they warmed up their muscle memory came back, they pushed and contorted their bodies ruthlessly and whilst their glistening skin betrayed their exertion both faces were amazingly blank, neither gave away any advantage on that front. Both were so flexible and they both traded blows so fast that it was near impossible to keep up with which limb belonged to who. They scrapped like cats with quick, stealthy lashes then escaping out of contact into a space before circling back round and lashing out again. Both of them knew the way the other one fought as well as they did their own. Its what made their unique partnership even more deadly when they worked a job. Bucky lost a step when she sent a punishing blow to his jaw whilst trying to place a kick to his midriff, his head snapped round to the side and the watching audience drew a breath at the ferociousness of the fight. Bucky launched back in and the brawl moved to the floor, here it became impossible to work out who was winning. Bucky got the upper hand and pinned her hands, she appeared to go compliant then reared up and head butted him, his nose broke with an audible crack and he reeled backwards. The onlookers watched with open mouthed incredulity at the vicious blows being exchanged on the mats. She sat up and Bucky landed a punch directly to her face, both of them were covered in blood and they were still breathing heavily. Once again Bucky used the advantage of being heavier to get her pinned with her hands above her head, but she brought her knees up and kicked him with both feet in the abdomen, he flew off her backwards and landed winded on his back. She backed off and let him stand and then pulled a knife. At this point the watchers drew in, their own bodies tight with apprehension. Steve was ready to go in and put an end to the fight but Natasha held him back and told him to leave them be. Bucky stood and spat a mouthful of blood off the side of the mat. He grabbed his knife and in a second they clashed once more but this time the stakes were that much higher. The audience couldn't have left now, they were captivated by the deadly dance taking place in front of them. Anna lost her knife first and blocked his attempts at stabbing her in the abdomen by electrocuting him with her arm. He dropped he knife and dropped to his knees. She kicked him onto his side and in a second she had his knife against his throat. He froze and looked at her, she winked and handed him his knife. She pulled him to his feet, and he mock punched her and she flashed him a genuine half smile and his heart ached for this damaged girl, then they turned to leave and only then saw their amazed audience. She ducked her head suddenly self conscious. "Its good to have an equal partner again. After I hospitalized the people they had train with me I had to find my own way and there is nothing quite like starting the morning with a hearty fight" Anna commented quietly. Bucky mutely agreed and then he opened the door for her. Their noses were already healing so they ignored them, confident in the knowledge that they would heal perfectly. Natasha took a big interest in the new assassin as previously she had been the only female avenger and here came a new kid on the block who was walking around like she expected people to bow down to her. This intrigued Natasha as most coping mechanisms inspired people to try and avoid drawing attention to themselves. She was certainly different to how Bucky had been when he had show up. Bucky had been quiet and almost invisible for weeks during the transforming stage. The group arrived in the main living area and Anna curled up at one end of the sofa. Bucky sat next to her so their legs were touching, Anna relaxed almost imperceptibly at this contact and although she didn't contribute a lot to the conversation she stayed in the room. Natasha continued to watch them and noticed that whenever Bucky moved Anna adjusted her positioning seemingly without looking at him. Natasha re-evaluated the woman and came to the conclusion that it was all an act and that underneath the façade she was falling to pieces, only the presence of Bucky and the contact with him was keeping her head above the waves. The slight contact between them was a promise that if she fell to pieces then someone would be there to put them back together again in the right order. As the hours ticked by Anna's face was showing more and more strain, the easy position that her body was in was betrayed by the tension in her back and shoulders. Her eyes were showing the strain from desperately trying to hold herself together and her hands shook. Steve, Bruce and Tony had already left. Tony was still obsessively updating and remodelling, Bruce was in the lab and Steve had gone out somewhere. That left the four assassins, Clint was stretched out on the sofa playing games on his Starkphone. Bucky was very much aware of Anna who was almost vibrating with tension and anxiety. Suddenly she got up and walked quickly out. All three of them looked up but Bucky made no move to follow her.

When she didn't re-appear Bucky enquired quietly after her. JARVIS informed them that she was in one of the small corridors in a far corner of the tower. Bucky stood, his face tight and left the room. Clint sat up and looked at Natasha, "Sooo.. your opinion on the new girl? Don't say you don't have one, I can see your brain working from over here.." He teased her, she threw him a disparaging look but still ventured an opinion, "I don't trust her not to stick a knife in one of us... As far as I can see, she has little or no regard for people aside from Bucky and don't even get me started on their relationship because I don't know enough to even scratch the surface" Clint nodded thoughtfully a smirk playing across his lips. "What's funny?" Natasha questioned him suspiciously. His grin stretch wider but he stayed silent as she silently fumed, finally just as she was about ready to leave he spluttered out an answer "you!! you're funny. Lets face it, you don't trust anyone not to knife you, I mean you don't even trust the mirror not to knife you!!" By this stage he was taken by an attack of giggles and just lay there helplessly under the sudden flurry of pillows that flew towards him. Natasha was swearing at him in Russian to no avail, and it just made him laugh even more.

Meanwhile, Bucky had reached the corridor and although the scene that greeted him created a lump in his throat he was not one hundred percent surprised. She was sat on the floor surrounded by bits of plaster and all along the corridor were dents from where she had pounded her hand over and over into the wall. Her eyes were fixed on her forearm and the metal hand that was closed tightly into a fist. There was blood along the corridor too from where she had scratched at her own skin in an attempt to be rid of it. She suddenly became aware of Bucky who was just down the hallway and she stood and faced him, she was swaying slightly but stayed standing. "How can you stand there like every thing is alright? How can you even look at me?" She spat at him, her voice hard with unconcealed loathing, each of her words hit him like a bullet. "You sit there like you have never done a thing wrong in your life! How could you? How do you act like all those lives and all those orphans mean nothing to you?" He flinched at the venom in her voice but felt the anger rise in him at her interpretation of him. "How could I? I don't know how well you think you know me but I am not okay with what we did. Im far from it, but I let myself be helped. All these people here have done things they are not proud of, ALL OF THEM." The minute he closed his mouth he regretted it, she looked like he had slapped her. "You think that you have had it as bad as me? Maybe you did in the start but there is a difference between us. I NEVER stopped thinking about you. You moved on with your life and left me rotting in a Russian bunker." Her voice was low and cracked with emotion, Bucky new that he had to put this right but he didn't know where to start. "I...." She cut his attempt off with a disdainful look as she slammed all her walls back up. When she spoke it was as if the cryostasis had happened all over again. "Leave. Now. I do not wish for your presence." Her voice was hard and cold compared to the emotion that last spilled from her lips. Even though he knew that he shouldn't, he turned and left her there surrounded by the devastation she had wrought on the clinical white corridor. He tucked his tail and ran, before he knew it he was out on the street and walking fast, but he could not stop thinking about how he had abandoned her when she needed him before, he tried to make excuses up but they all sounded weak.

After he left she sunk down to the floor in a sobbing heap, her whole body was wracked with the heaving sobs that tried each second to tear her empty shell apart. Without conscious thought her hand reached down and pulled the knife from its concealed place within her boot, she used the end of it to unjam her bionic arm and then transferred the weapon into her left hand. Something that she had discovered early on in her 'rehabilitation' after the 'death' of the winter soldier is that the lower her heart rate and the weaker her body the slower her rate of healing. Any injuries in her current state would take two or three days minimum to heal completely. She placed the knife against the tanned and unmarred skin of her right forearm and stared at it for an age. The knife was cold against her skin and despite her best attempts, adrenaline caused her heart rate to spike. The seconds seemed to drag on for minutes and then hours. Eventually she removed the knife and climbed shakily to her feet, her hand still clutching the knife with all the desperation of a drowning child. With a shaky breath she began to walk towards a bedroom. There was one down the corridor to her left which she began to walk towards, knowing that JARVIS would be watching and had possibly reported her fascination with the knife. Not wanting to be found she set off an EMP big enough to put JARVIS offline for three to four minutes. She began to run and just as the clock hit three minutes she had made it into a bedroom that was on a different floor by using the air-conditioning ducts. 

Tears were tracked down her face as she began to make a sick tally of the people she had killed. Each cut was a burning wire across her skin, she tattooed her wrist in blood and marked herself as the monster she believes that she is. Her head is spinning, and her eyes are glazed and unfocused, each breath is weaker than the last and there is a steady stream of blood flowing down her hand and onto the floor beneath her. Every nerve in her body is heavy and unresponsive. Her metal hand is finding it harder and harder to keep a grip on the knife and before long her hand spasms open and the knife falls to the floor with a dull thud. A huge black space fills her head and she cant think around it. A face is on the very edge of her mind and with a huge effort she manages to drag it into her memory but within seconds it dissipates like fog and she is alone and empty once more. The healing has not kicked in, the injuries are too great and there are too many at one time to deal with. Eventually she passes out and the room is quiet except for the steady drip of the red viscous liquid that is seeping into the carpet below her hanging arm.

There are no cameras in the bedrooms as even Tony Stark understands that people deserve privacy whilst in their rooms. This is why it took JARVIS so long to find where she had gone. As soon as the tower had rebooted, Tony had rung Bucky who had not taken his phone with him. Steve was dispatched to help find him and eventually he had returned with a slightly tipsy Bucky who had sobered up immediately when he heard the situation. The team began a thorough sweep of the tower but had still not found her. There was just the one corridor left on this floor and it hadn't been used for months. Tony pushed the door open and swore loudly and at length. Bucky sprinted towards him and as he rounded the corner, his knees went weak and he staggered slightly before dragging himself towards the pale figure on the bed surrounded by a puddle of blood that was too big to comprehend.

The black fuzziness was annoying, it was like my head was filled with static but around the edges I was aware of a great commotion taking place, there was a voice that was hoarse with emotion screaming and pleading and other voices that were building in crescendo. I was vaguely aware of arms under me and then movement before the darkness pulled me under once more.  
There was a sour taste in my mouth and a distant bleeping, instantly all my senses were on red alert. I built a steel wall around my heart in the hope it would protect me from the armour piercing emotions fired straight from the brain's vicious bow. I was flat on my back and my right forearm was on fire. I tied to grab it and to my horror found that I was shackled to the bed. My brain locked down and panic energized my blood starved muscles. I screamed and thrashed about to no avail, then a soothing voice was by my ear and I focused on it, every atom of my body pounding with unadulterated fear and panic. The voice was triggering a whole new set of emotions and I tipped my woozy head back slightly. His face was resting next to mine and it was filled with heart breaking sadness and a wariness that put me on edge. There must be danger here, if there wasn't then he would not look so tense. I guess I had gone and gotten myself injured again, but that still didn't explain where I was. This certainly was not anywhere in Russia that I had been before, the cloudiness in my brain made it difficult to think but slowly I started to piece together the events that had happened before. The screaming at him to leave and then the blissful pain that followed. The endless counting and marking until I was to sick to count anymore and then I continued until it felt right. He was still watching me with wide eyes and I swallowed, my swollen tongue refusing to co operate. " Untie me please" my voice was hoarse and weak, I only just managed to stop it sounding like I was begging to be released. He nodded immediately as he understood the fear that a set of shackles can induce, especially when you are injured and sedated. He removed the bindings before returning to my field of view. "We...I...killed so many people, some of them innocent, some of them children. There was no remorse or respect in those killings. It was as easy as swatting a fly or cutting through butter yet each murder sent waves across the pond. How many people waited for the fathers, brothers, sisters, mothers, sons, daughters and friends to come home only to be told that they were dead. No other information, no hope of retribution just that cold word to hold onto." I knew that I was crying again, but I needed this. The emotions had left me drained, the physical acts had left me weak and so all I had left was my words. He was nodding and his own eyes were glistening with the memories of the past. "What we did... it was wrong in so many ways. I still wake up screaming at night, my mind filled with a never ending parade of faces. For us it was easy, in a way I am grateful for the cryo, it meant that I didn't need to come to terms with what I had done. They could have made it so much worse. But now you are here and once you are better then we can take the place to the ground. Just the two of us, like the old days but this time we decide who dies, this time we have the trigger and the gun, we are no longer just the bullets." I was still trying to absorb this around the drugs in my system and now the pain was pulling back. "I'm sorry, what I said before." He tried to interrupt me but I soldiered on, trying not to gasp as the pain began to build. "I wanted to hurt you. To make you feel some of what I felt. I know that you didn't abandon me there, I was afraid and angry so I lashed out. I'm sorry." His face fell slightly as I was talking and I had this overwhelming fear that he didn't believe me. His forehead creased slightly and he began to talk. "I know and I am sorry too. But you are wrong, I did abandon you. No matter how hard I try to convince myself I know that it is all lies. The truth is, I was scared and in pieces. Before I always had you to pick me up and now I was in a different place with a man who said he knew me. I recognised him in the way you would recognise someone you see in a photograph, but there was no personal memory. All I could think of in the beginning was you. But time passed and there was no word of you, no killing patterns or targets. I thought, in fact I hoped you were dead. I knew that being dead would be easier for you than some of the other things that they did to you. But in reality I was terrified that I would get sent back. Its no excuse and I am more sorry than you will ever know." The pain was obviously showing on my face because Bucky reached for the morphine tap but I didn't want to be drugged out again. I shook my head frantically and although he looked slightly quizzical he moved his hand away. Pain at this level can be ignored and if not ignored then it can at least be endured. I had a lot of pain related history and knew that this was no where near my limits. My struggling against the shackles had re-opened my wounds again but we had been distracted until now, when Bucky noticed he called for Bruce. In a few minutes Bruce appeared with fresh bandages and undressed my injured arm. It was a pallid mess of raw skin, I had really done a number on it. I stared with fascination at the wounds and only eventually noticed that Bruce was waiting for a reply. I enquired after the question and was answered with kind tones. "Do you mind if Bucky steps out, I would like to talk to you and I don't know if you have noticed but he needs a shower and some rest before he ends up in here alongside you for exhaustion." I didn't want Bucky to go, but looking at him I could see that he was almost dead on his feet. Bruce hadn't given me any reason to fear him except perhaps shackling me to a hospital bed, but that again was understandable. The last time I woke up in a hospital bed I killed a lot of people and trashed the place. "Yeah okay.." Bucky smiled in what was supposed to be reassuring but it mainly just looked sad and tired. He squeezed my hand but still seemed reluctant, "go.. I will be fine" eventually he turns and leaves. I turned my attention back to the good natured doctor, it was just out of habit but I instinctively followed him with my eyes and shifted my body almost imperceptivity to match his own movements. After a moment he approached the chair and sat down in it, he glanced at the morphine and then at me with his eyebrows raised. "Its there to help you, you know." I told him that I didn't like the feeling of being trapped that accompanies a dose of the drug and he shook his head but let the matter rest. "You uh wanted to talk to me?....." That seemed to startle him out of his reverie and he looked up quickly and made eye contact. I flinched automatically then quelled the reaction and returned the gaze, to me eye contact was difficult unless I initiate it, my eyes can be a weapon deadly enough by themselves they are enough to make a fully trained agent turn tail and run. But his perceptive eyes made my ugly soul feel naked and revealed. " I want to establish why you did this, and how we can work to stop it happening again." I sucked in a breath and held it before letting it out again. "I'm sure that you of all people understand that loss of control and then the euphoria of killing? Only to wake up and the consequence hit you. You train yourself, you have control now, I have seen how he operates then and I have seen how he operates now. I didn't have that opportunity, they used to point me and say 'go kill so and so' or 'clean that up will you' and I would do it, just like that. Then I would get back and its gone, a few moments of remorse and then just a memory that I should remember dancing just out of reach. I did this for years, there is a hell of a big coffin trail behind me. This last year was worse. I was angry, alone and scared so I got creative and messy and the worst thing, I fucking enjoyed it. Every second that I was out there was like a game to me, it was the only time I got outside, the only time I got any real exercise so I revelled in it. Looking back now I remember everything that I did, I deserve to suffer for what I did and so I started a tally chart for everyone that I remember killing and a few that I don't." My voice was rough with emotion that I didn't know how to express. My eyes stayed trained on my hands, I didn't want to look at Bruce and see the revulsion on his face, I don't want to se his eyes telling me that I am a monster and I most certainly don't want to hear his condemning words. But to my surprise he kept talking softly "When I first became....this... I nearly killed the one person I loved more than anything else. I killed bad people sure thing but good people got killed in the process. There is not a single night that goes past that I don't think about what I have lost. I got low once, and put a bullet in my mouth. It doesn't work, he wont let me die" He looked lost for a second, a deep well of sadness had been opened up from deep inside him. "I appreciate your honesty doctor, I really do but the gravity of my self loathing comes from acts I enjoyed committing. I killed children. Children. That was the worst, every night they come and visit me in their pyjamas and clutching teddy bears, some of them cry but most just stare at me and ask why? why them? Do you think I have an answer. They want to hear that their death had a meaning, but it didn't, How can I face that row of wasted lives and tell them it was just collateral damage. They died because they were there." Tears were running down my face as I stared into the distance and thought back to Russia and where this all started. Bruce was still listening quietly, "You have to do something about it Anna." I flinched at my name but pulled my eyes up to meet his. "You have to make a difference in this world for the better, you have a gift or a curse but how you use it defines what you do. If you can use it for the better then it is a gift, if not then its a curse." In the back of my head an inkling of an idea began to form but I was still locked down from grief. The tendons in my neck stood out as hard lines. I was vaguely aware of Bruce standing up and beginning to walk away when I finally spoke. So quietly that I don't know if he heard me a heartfelt thank you slipped from between my teeth. His slight pause told me he had as he resumed walking away. 


	8. This is my story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It occurred to me that although Bucky's past is reasonably well known, we don't know anything about Anna until she turns up bleeding and missing her arm. So here comes her story.  
> This chapter made me cry while I was writing it!

I was born 17 years ago, my mother is missing, presumed dead and my father worked as a teacher in the local school. He owed money to a lot of people but we got by. My mother was taken when I was 10 because my father refused to pay the money that he owed. I still remember the screaming and begging of my mother, my father pleaded with them but still would not give up the money that he had hidden. I was in my room but at the bloodcurdling scream my mother gave I ran out to find her. I was a skinny ten year old charging at a group of 6 armed thugs with a kitchen knife. I didn't stand a chance and they swiftly threw me backwards. I hit the wall and slid down it but one of the men strode over to me and began to kick me whilst yelling in Russian mixed with a few derogatory terms in English. He called me a 'whore and a bitch' before describing in detail what would happen if I told anyone about this. I was terrified and bruised, I panicked and tried to push his foot away but he pinned my arm under it before aiming a gun at my face. By now my mother was struggling desperately to get to me and my father finally cracked. He ran from the room and returned with a small bundle of money. It was not enough but it was some, the men counted it out and agreed to leave but they would be back in two weeks to collect the rest. The man stood by me suddenly stomped down on my forearm hard and I screamed so loud that the tendons in my neck threatened to snap. He followed this with a downward blow with the butt of his gun. I lost consciousness for a second and after that all I remember is the excruciating pain and a ringing noise as I watched my mother being dragged out the door and my father screaming after her. After that, the agony of my crushed arm forced a blackout blind to flicker closed in my mind.  
When I woke up I was in a hospital far away from where I lived and in a great deal of pain. My small body was swamped by the narrow hospital bed and I was alone in the room. After a while, the door opened and a nurse walked in, she read the clipboard and then looked at me through small eyes. "It says here that you were in a car crash honey. Do you remember anything?" Behind my eyes, I saw with utmost clarity the barrel of a gun inches away from my face, I heard the screams and felt the impact of the blows against my abdomen before a sudden sharp splinter of bone. After that it was just white noise. I opened my mouth but found that no words formed so instead I shook my head frantically. She looked at me sharply and I could see that for a moment she didn't believe me but then she smiled sympathetically and adjusted my medication before bustling off to see the next patient. My father had lied about my injuries, that meant that the authorities did not know about my mother. A sharp wave of grief crashed over me when I thought of the gentle face of my mother. She was born in England to an English mother and a Spanish father. Her skin was slightly swarthier than most on account of this. As the pain closed in I began to recite simple things that I knew about myself but they soon grew twisted and sharp like thorns winding their prickly way through my child's brain.  


My name is Rosie-Marie. I am ten. My mother loves me. My father loves me. My mother was taken. My father let her be taken. I let her be taken.  


This last fact triggered even more violent memories and I shuddered as the painkillers finally suspended me in sleep. My shattered arm healed all wrong and I lost feeling in three of my fingers but I was soon home with my withdrawn father. He was out all the time to try and bring in money for the us. He refused to buy food, so I rationed what we had but soon enough we were starving, my ribs were prominent and my cheeks hollowed. On the rare occasion I saw my father I could see the grief in his eyes when he looked at me even though he tried to hide it. My father had paid the men another sum of money whilst I was in hospital but they demanded more because of the trouble he caused them. This was why he stopped the food and then the heating, I lay awake at night shivering and starving with thoughts of my mother singing me to sleep. I prayed then, for the first and last time. The next day the door was kicked in, I heard the heavy steps before my father ran to my room. He took me to the living room and begged me to hide and stay hidden, I was terrified. The man who had beaten me the first time followed the leader in and began to sweep round the room with his pale eyes. The boss left his men and went through into my father's study. It was quiet for a long time with the men making themselves comfortable and touching the ornaments. I wanted to scream at them to stop touching our stuff, but I sat concealed in the disused fireplace and attempted to calm my erratic heartbeat. Suddenly a set of footsteps began to approach the fireplace, one man stood and looked at the picture above the mantelpiece before turning and leaning against it. My father and the boss man re entered the room, as they did a hand came down and grabbed me out of the fireplace. I began to struggle and scream when I realized who had hold of me. My father yelled and ran towards me, but he was tripped and as he fell they slit his throat. I froze and stared in disbelief at the prone figure and the growing puddle of blood that soaked into the rug. His throat gaped like an obscene grimace. "well he would keep asking to see his wife again" the men started to laugh but all I could do was stare. My mother was gone, my father was there on the mat in front of me and now the boss man was walking closer to me. He knelt down in front of me and took me by the top of the arms. His grip was tight but not overly painful, "Hey little girl, do you know what happens now?" I just stared at him, my entire body was numb with shock. "Now we go and you haven't seen anything. You don't remember this face. You don't tell anyone. You do that and you get to go free. You don't do that and well lets just say that my men would quite like a little...pet." The men leered at me and although I couldn't completely understand what he meant, I knew that it was not a good thing. With that he stood up and ruffled my hair before leading his men out. When they left I ran to my father and lay down next to him. I didn't know what to do or where to go so I decided to stay with what was familiar. His blood soaked into my clothes and his body was cold and stiff, but still I lay next to him and cried for the end of my innocence. The front door was no longer attached and a cold wind blew leaves into the lounge, but still I sat with him and rocked backwards and forwards trying to process the loss but failing miserably. His blood soon began to dry on the floor and it congealed on my skin, my clothes went stiff like his body but my complete abject misery and grief meant that this did not worry me. I sang softly after a while but the tune was all wrong, presently I was hungry and thirsty but my brain rejected these warnings and instead I just curled up all the tighter.

Many days later we were found by the police, a woman walked in and I rolled my heavy head around to look at her. I could hear others in the hall but I wanted them out and away from me and my father. "Hey sweetheart" She called in broken English I didn't answer but I struggled to sit up and protect my father. A young man walked in behind her and for a second he looked like the man who broke my arm, I screamed and backed away from him. "Out, Get out. Please. Please. Noo. Leave me alone." I was crying and repeating over and over again. He looked at the female officer who nodded and he removed his hat so his face was clear and then he backed away to the door. The woman approached me again and I crouched down away from her, she reached for me and picked me up to carry me out the room. The contact was too much and I began to struggle desperately to get free and back to my father. The male police man wrapped me in a blanket and carried me from the room. I screamed blue murder the whole way out and he spoke quietly in my ear telling me that I was safe now and how brave I was. If this is how brave feels, then I don't want to be brave anymore. The paramedics passed us on their way in with a stretcher and a black bag. My screams gave way to tears as I sobbed out the horrors of the past month. A paramedic began wiping the blood off my face with a soft pad but I hardly noticed her, my eyes were fixed on the doorway to my house. The paramedics reappeared and I leapt off the table and ran towards the black bag, the policeman heard the paramedic shouting and turned towards me. He was ready to catch me but I evaded him slightly, his hand caught my left wrist and the pain floored me. I hit the ground screaming in agony as the police officer exclaimed a few words harshly and crouched down next to me with concern written across his young face. I clutched my throbbing wrist to my body and looked up at the crowd of people surrounding me. "Dad." The word slipped out from under my breath and I urged my tired body to a standing position, as I attempted to weave my way towards the bag arms caught me by the waste and I was pulled backwards away from my father's body. I yelled and struggled for him as much as possible but my malnourished body was exhausted by all the previous struggling. I let myself be pulled away as the now familiar numbness flooded through me. My right hand reached for him and my eyes stayed on him as long as I could but soon I was in a car and being driven away from the place I called home.  
I was taken to a hospital to recover for a few days before being taken back to the police station. The woman and the young man were waiting for me, I could hear the nurses telling them that I wouldn't talk and that I was still underfed but no longer dehydrating, I tuned out after that. I was still numb from the events a few days before so I did not hear them say my name until the woman touched me lightly on the shoulder. I jumped and skittered away from her touch before gaining control of myself and stopping the movement. I stood and followed them through to a different room. They told me that they had a few questions to ask me. "Your father...Did you see what happened to him.?" The man asked the first question and I croaked an affirmative. "Did you see the man that did it?" His blue eyes bored into mine and I started to nod and then remembered what the boss man had told me. "No. No, I.. I didn't." The two exchanged a glance then the woman leant forward. "I need you to be honest with me, so we can catch the men who did this." I was paralyzed with fear, they knew I was lying but I couldn't tell the truth. I was sure that they were watching me. "I promise, but I only saw a knife and then the blood. There was so much blood." I started to breathe quicker as an image of the mutilated throat formed inside my head. I couldn't get enough air and I was gasping like a fish out of water. A full blown panic attack had crept up on me and I didn't know how to stop it. The woman was there, she held me and rocked me and gradually the attack passed and I could breathe again. When we left the room, the three of us met another police man. He was a superior and after they greeted him he inquired whether I had given them anything to work with. When they said that I hadn't but they suspected a gang he suggested that they go and write up the reports. He was heading out and would deliver me to an organised safe house. The two wished me good luck and said their goodbyes before I followed the new man out of the building. We headed over to a car and once we were in it he picked a phone up from under the seat. He began to talk in fast Russian but I understood enough. "The kid? No she didn't talk. I'm gonna drive her out of town and let her go in a different city." He took off his gloves and there I saw the same tattoo that adorned the hands of the man who slit my fathers throat.

I stared at his face and hands, willing myself to remember them so I could find him and the men that had stolen my life and ruined my childhood. We drove for an age, I was too terrified to talk and so I stared silently out of the window and watched the rolling countryside sweep past in an endless cycle. After a while I fell asleep as I was still unwell and the day's exertions had taken their toll on me. When I woke, the car had stopped and we were in an alley in a city somewhere. He got out and opened my door, I turned to leave but he blocked my escape. "Get out of here and don't come sniffing around. You do that and we wont kill you, you go to the police or tell anyone and your throat wont be the only thing that you need to worry about." His voice was an insidious hiss in my ear that sent shivers of fear down my spine. He moved and I exploded out of the car and kept running, I never once looked back as I diverted my route and bombed down a side alley.

After that day I lived on the streets, a few weeks after my arrival I fell in with a gang of kids that began to teach me how to survive, I learnt how to steal and lie successfully and developed an impressive poker face. They also taught me how to fight, all the last of the childlike roundness to my body was gone as I trained and fought among the rabble. Every journey was taken at speed across the roof tops as often as on the ground. Maybe seven years passed like this until just before my seventeenth birthday when I was cornered by a group of Russians who were not impressed that I had been persistently stealing from them. It was me against six of them who were armed to the teeth. I had only a knife and before long I was overpowered and restrained before they forced me to my knees, one of the men stood in front of me as I knelt and I felt the cold butt of a gun against my forehead. I steeled my nerves and looked up at him, blood dribbled from my mouth where I had been hit by the man to my left. He laughed at my defiant expression and cocked the pistol, I felt the click of the hammer reverberate through my temples and my breathing spiked sharply. The men let go of my arms and he lowered the gun before stepping back, "I admire your bravery, little girl. Come work for us." It was clearly a demand but my whole being rebelled at being called a 'little girl' without thinking I opened my mouth and retorted straight back at him. " I would never work for such a pussy." I spat the last word at him and but the mild way in which he regarded me made me question my decision. "Fine, have it your way." I stared after their retreating backs breathing heavily with the blood starting to congeal on my chin. He paused a few paces away, turned around and shot me in the gut. The impact of the bullet triggered a strange tearing sensation before the pain ripped through me, it was like pulling the rip cord on a parachute as the pain left me winded. It ballooned through my body and I staggered backwards before sliding down the allay wall clutching my profusely bleeding abdomen. The six men turned and walked away, leaving me for dead in that small alley.  
I passed out from loss of blood and as I was coming back around I knew that I was no longer in the same alley. I was tied to a table in someone's house, my skin was covered in sweat and goose-bumps at the same time. I could hear someone moving around and I tried to call out to them when they appeared next to me with a pair of tweezers. The tweezers descended and as the most horrifying pulling sensation coupled with a tidal wave of pain slammed through me. I screamed past the rubber tube between my teeth and my hands fought desperately to get free and destroy the source of the pain. Finally it stopped and the shape retreated. My vision had gone blurry but I knew what was coming when the person re entered my field of view carrying something that glowed red. On impact, my entire body bowed up off the table and then I passed out again. When I woke this time I was back at the base of my gang, my head throbbed and my tongue radiated pain where I had bitten it despite the gag.

The leader of the gang was waiting for me when I woke up. He was stood at the end of my bed and when I opened my eyes he stepped closer to my head. "How are you feeling?" he inquired but all it did was piss me off. He was not sentimental towards us in anyway and like always it was difficult to get a read on him. "Oh cut the crap, like you actually care. Why are you really here?" I didn't mean for it to sound quite so vicious and his face hardened momentarily before he began to smirk. "Considering how little you know about me, you seem to be scarily good at reading through the small talk.." I didn't know how to answer this so I just looked at him, he had a strong jaw and high cheekbones, a small scar on his right cheekbone was the only deformity on his well angled face. In a rugged way he was handsome, but something in his eyes made him unreachable, usually there was only hardness and anger behind his light brown eyes. Now though, his eyes were calm and almost appraising but there behind all that was a deep cunning that showed his clever mind. I had been betrayed too many times to accept him attempting to pull the wool over my eyes. "Don't lie to me. Why are you here? Tell me straight and I will answer you straight." I was pushing my luck here a bit, I was still in training and although I could fight well I was injured and most certainly was not the best fighter even in peak form. His face split into a grin, I know that he found it funny considering the fact that he is eight years my senior. Eventually he quieted again "I like you, too many people round here are scared to let me have it, you on the other hand are more than happy to. Here's the deal, I train you and you run reconnaissance for me." I stared at him suspiciously, this was the first time we had spoken longer than a terse greeting so something did not add up. "I told you to tell me the truth, what you just told me is something that you ad-libbed on the spot. We have never spoken before so you did not come here because you 'like' me." He was seriously frustrating me at the moment but I could see that he had not expected such a deep analysis, his face tightened briefly for a second before it relaxed back to it previous position. "My, you are a perceptive little thing aren't you... Fine, I came here to tell you to do reconnaissance for me. Then we started talking and I decided that I would offer you something in return. Happy now?" His face looked kind of sulky at the end of his speech and I had to strongly resist the urge to laugh at him. "Fine" my mind rebelled against trusting him but there was nothing I could do, at least this way I could get something out of risking my life for him. He grinned and then sauntered away, when he left I allowed myself to feel the pain that had been threatening to knock down my hastily built defenses. There were no painkillers here, I would have to ignore the pain and go out onto the streets to find money and food. The rules here are that weakness kills, if you get injured then you have to ignore it. No one will bring you food or money, what you find you keep and if you find nothing you have nothing. Its a simple way of life but difficult especially when you have been shot, I know that food is the only way I am going to heal so bracing myself I swing my legs out of the cot and hastily suppress a gasp of pain as the agony washes through my abdomen. Slowly I make my way to my feet and with my teeth clenched in pain I head for the exit. There are only a few of the boys lying around on my way past and they all look up and follow me with their eyes as I make my way slowly across the room. Every part of me is screaming to go back and lie down but the audience makes that impossible. That day was agony, I made no money and therefore didn't eat when I got back I was pale and covered in a thin sheen of sweat. I ignored the eyes of the people in that dark dingy room and went back to bed. I was woken during the night by a boy sent from our leader. I had not been deeply asleep and my hand snapped up and closed around his neck, he gasped and then I let go of him and was left breathless by the wave of pain that radiated through my body due to the sudden movement. He stared at me for a second and then beckoned me to follow, I stood up slowly and followed him quietly, each step sent a dull throb through my exhausted body. We traveled underground for miles before coming to a new building, he stopped and motioned for me to go forward. The walk had taken all my last reserves and it was a huge effort to put one foot in front of the other, as I passed him I staggered and he automatically reached out and caught me before I hit the ground. I shrugged him off angrily as I dragged myself up the wall and back to a standing position. I was both hot and cold and my hands shook as I stumbled along the wall, my head was pounding like the war drums and my vision was blurred. Somehow I made it into the leader's 'office', I tried to compose myself as I entered but by now the whole room was shaking violently. The leader turned around and gestured for me to sit, I took the proffered chair gratefully and sank down into it. I tried desperately to focus the room but it danced just out of reach, I could hear a noise but it was distorted like I was listening through water. I was breathing heavily and tremors ran through my whole body as I shivered uncontrollably, a face appeared in front of me and I was vaguely aware that it was our leader so I tried to talk but my tongue felt heavy and I couldn't remember what I was going to say anyway so I stopped trying and watched in fascination as my vision closed down and filled with darkness that started at the edges and slowly filtered shut. When I was a kid, my mother and I used to make telescopes out of roles of paper or cardboard tubes. It was like that now with only a circle of image visible. When the darkness invariably closed in, I relived my childhood. I saw my mother sewing or reading out loud and I felt her brushing my hair before plaiting it. The exquisite feel of her nimble fingers combing through my hair would always make me relax and feel sleepy. The my father came home but he kept his scarf on all the time and it confused me because he never wore a scarf and my mother always wore long sleeves and covered up her legs. I never remembered her doing that at home and my curiosity bloomed. In my mind I asked why she wore long sleeves and her face became sad as she rolled up her sleeves and showed me the cuts and bruises as well as the thick scars on her wrist where the shackles had bitten into her skin. I started screaming then as she approached me and asked why I left her there? I could not reply so I screamed instead and then she slowly lowered the left shoulder on her dress and to my horror I saw a still bleeding gunshot wound. The blood ran out of her and I began to drown, I couldn't move but I struggled desperately against the heavy force that held me down. My mouth was open and screaming as the panic set in when suddenly I felt arms around me and my father was there. He dragged me out of the room and held me tight, I saw the scarf and stared at it with dread. "Do you want to see what you did?" he asked me. I frantically shook my head and once again tried to escape from the grasp that held me down. He smiled and began to unwind the scarf. A huge gaping grin spread across his throat, blood dribbled from its lips as it laughed at my terror. I stared in horror and my body shut down. The vision slowly faded but the feeling of suffocation continued.

When I came around I was somewhere unfamiliar and shackles held me to the bed. My hands were tied next to my hips and several leather belts wrapped around my hips, waist and legs. I panicked and started screaming as I remembered my mother's wrists, my head thrashed around as I tried desperately to free my hands. Within seconds, I heard footsteps and I locked down in fear, every muscle tensed and my fingers worried at the knot. To my relief it started to come loose, I worked frantically and managed to free one hand, this was a relatively small achievement but it was an achievement nonetheless and meant that I was no longer completely helpless to face whoever had me here. The person stopped close by my head and I knew instinctively that they were in reach, I exploded towards them and caught their throat but the weakness in my arms appalled me as my hand was batted away as easily as a kitten. "If you were in any other state then you would be dead already for trying something like that." I recognized the voice immediately as that of the leader. He walked around into my vision and the first thing I noticed was half healed scratch marks down his face, they were angry and red as they stood proudly on his skin. He strode around the bed and undid all the ties that held me down, I don't know if he noticed the slight relaxation in the set of my shoulders once I was free. My head felt light but I drew myself up into a sitting position and leant against the wall. He stood at the end of the bed and looked at me with his arms folded. I glanced around the room and it dawned on me where I might be. "What happened and why do I appear to be in YOUR room shackled to YOUR bed?" my voice was weak and my throat felt like someone had rubbed sandpaper on it whilst I was out. He looked at me impassively before allowing a slight smirk to crease the edge of his lips. "You don't remember?...? His voice was touched with humor but I just looked at him with my best poker face firmly secured. "One of my men was dispatched to bring you here last week, he woke you up and you tried the same move on him." He seemed to find me amusing so I just glowered back until he continued. "By the time you got here you could hardly walk and you were burning up, your eyes were glazed over and I don't think that you could even hear me talking. Right before you passed out, you looked right at me and I could literally see the light go out in your eyes. By this time of course there isn't much I can do, so I carried you through here and had a sample of your blood analysed at the hospital, it turned out that the bullet was laced with poison, my boys picked up the antidote and gave it to you. Unfortunately though the poison causes hallucinations and by your reaction they were obviously pretty violent. There were two people with you the first time it happened, you just started screaming so one of them came running to find me. By the time we got back you were thrashing around pretty violently, the one boy left was trying to hold you down but you threw him off and winded him. It took six of us to subdue you long enough to get the shackles in place and you got in some good hits in the mean time." I looked at his face again and realized that I must have scratched him. "I was out a week?" he nodded at me and I looked around his room as if searching for my next question. "What now then?" It was a stupid question but I needed to know what was going to happen in my life, he looked me over once then threw some clothes at me "Get dressed, and then we start training" His tone made me want to drop him a mock salute but instead I nodded, still pre-occupied by the hallucinations that so recently flooded my brain. He turned and left so I struggled out of bed and put on the clothes he had found for me. They were loose and comfortable, giving me space to move freely without restriction. I walked hesitantly over to the door and opened it silently. He was stood with his back against the corridor wall waiting for me, when I appeared he beckoned and I followed unquestioningly. We arrived at a 'gym' space, sparring mats were set out as well as a few bags hung from the walls. He walked to the center of the mats and fell into a fighting stance, I joined him and within a few seconds I was flat on my back. "Again" this time I threw myself forward then dummied and managed to land one hit to his chest, my lunge had left me off balance and he quickly struck me once before dancing out of reach. It was like fighting a windstorm, he was everywhere and I always turned a second too late to catch him. Soon though, my muscles began to sing with the join of being used and I began to twist and push more and more in this deadly dance. I noticed that when he parried a shot it always left him slightly open on the opposite side, using this I landed a good kick to his ribs and his knees momentarily hit the mat before he grabbed my legs from under me and felled me to the ground. I was pinned underneath his body but could still move my legs a little so I managed to wedge my feet under him and then I kicked with both feet at the same time. He lifted momentarily and I rolled to my feet and took the fighting stance again. He stood up then looked at my stomach and called it a day, I looked down and noticed that the scuffles had opened the wound and fresh blood was staining the clothes. He threw me a towel then a bottle of water and beckoned me over, my breathing was still heavy from the exertion of fighting so I tried to calm it by taking deep breaths of air. He, on the other hand was perfectly unruffled. "That was a good kick." He commented as we sat against the wall of the gym. "You show potential in your ability to read your opponent and take advantage of a repeated flaw. With training you could b a deadly fighter. Once we improve your strength of course." The way he said the last sentence was patronizing and once again pissed me off. Every time he opened his god damn mouth it pissed me off. Just something about his smug face made me want to punch it, multiple times. "Yeah, well be careful because then I can kick your ass and believe me... It would give me great pleasure." That wiped the smug grin off his face and in a moment of pure childishness I stuck my tongue out at him, the look of pure astonishment on his face was too much and I laughed until I cried. The last time I laughed like this was when my parents were still alive and that thought sobered me up immediately.

Something obviously changed on my face because he looked at me quizzically, I shook my head slightly but he still looked at me. "What?" I snapped, his staring was making me edgy. "One day you will tell me who you really are... Anna.." The way he said my name made me uncomfortable, I could tell that he knew or at least suspected that my real name was not Anna. "Its not that simple." I stood up to leave, clearly stating that the conversation was over. He stared after me with a thoughtful expression on his face, once I left the room I headed as high as I possibly could. I found a small room on the top floor with the door wedged shut from old age, I tried turning the handle but it just came off in my hand. An idea crossed my mind and I headed for the roof, once there I swung my self over the edge and dropped down to the window of the room, it was empty so I forced the window open and dropped in on light feet. It was an old square room that had long ago been emptied, all there was left was a few floor to ceiling shelving units and thousands of spiders. I set to cleaning and before long had made a reasonable space out of it. I made a bunk by turning a shelving unit on its side and stealing a canvas and some rope. I threaded the rope through the canvas and tied it to the frame of the shelving unit. This made for a camp bed and looked quite reasonable, I placed this on the wall to the left of the window. On the wall opposite the window was the door that didn't open but on the fourth wall another door lead out of the room. I pulled out my knife and went to investigate, to my delight it lead to a small room with a toilet and a sink. This meant that I did not have to go downstairs very often, if at all. I went back through into the other room and stood the other shelving unit against the wall with the useless door. I removed the shelves and then used them to create a small wardrobe. For an improvisation it worked well. The next day I appeared on time for training and although he inquired where I slept I brushed him off and we started to spar. This continued for a year and a half until my nineteenth birthday, I was sat in his room this time after training. I had managed to beat him again and some how I ended up going to his room to 'hang out'. He gave me a bottle of Vodka as a present and I decided to open it and we sat there passing the bottle back and forth, as I got drunker I had less control over what I said. For some reason I started talking about my family and he watched me with rapt attention as I described to him everything that happened including the hallucinations. When I finished I noticed that my cheeks were wet and I angrily brushed them away before standing up to leave. He was in front of me before I could take more than a step and before I could resist he had wrapped his arms around me in a hug. I hadn't been hugged for nine years and it was breaking point, I wept for my family and I wept for myself before weeping for every one of the street kids that I knew. He held me quietly through it all and just stroked my hair with one hand. Eventually I stopped and then embarrassment washed over me in one fell swoop. I froze then stepped back from him, my face heated. Then without a word I stepped past him and ran from the room, it took a while for me to find my way back to the room and the alcohol made my head fuzzy so climbing on to the window sill was hard work but I managed it and lay staring at the ceiling wondering how I would ever be able to see him again. When I woke the next day my mouth tasted like something had died in it and my head was playing the bongos again. I rolled out of bed and dragged myself to the sink where I gulped huge amounts of water then collapsed back into bed. I stayed there all day and it was dark when I woke up again. I climbed slowly to the ground and went looking for food. After I had eaten I returned and slept through the day. On the fifth night I climbed back in through the window and when I turned to close it I heard a movement behind me. I spun and drew my knife. "Are you going to stay nocturnal forever?" The asshole had climbed into my room and I was so mad that it was taking everything within me to not put the knife in his chest and be done with it. "Why are you here?" My voice was flat and I had not put down the knife yet, he had the audacity to pull out the half finished bottle of Vodka. "You left this in my room, I thought you might want it." His voice was light and amused, I was less so. I found a stone in my pocket that I used for target practice and with a flick of my wrist the bottle shattered. "Oh and I guess that is my answer then..." he was still laughing and right now I could not deal with him. "Did you come here just to be an asshole or is there a point to this?" My tone was harsh and I knew it but the prick was pissing me off. In the dim light I could see his face fall and become serious once more. "Okay, Okay. I'm sorry. The vodka was a bad idea, but you have been avoiding me for nearly a week. What was I supposed to do?" I so badly wanted to knife him now, my hand was twitching but I turned and slammed it down onto the nearest surface. "If you know that I am avoiding you then you should have respected that. Coming in here and violating my space is not going to help in anyway. In fact it is becoming increasingly difficult not to just knife you and be done with it." I turned to face him, fully committed to knocking him out if there was so much as a hint of a smile on his face. Luckily for him, there wasn't. "I don't even understand why you feel the need to hide up here anyway." He walked towards me and in a flash I had the knife in my hand again, he stopped and held up his hands. "I'm up here so any old prick doesn't just wander in and feel the need to make himself comfortable, I'm up here so people don't pry into who I am. And yet here you are, the seventh person on this world to know what happened to me in detail. Do you feel proud that you forced me into repeating my life to you? Are you proud that you reduced me to that? When you invited me back to your room less than a week ago you had one goal and you achieved it. So shouldn't you be off celebrating that." My voice was a low and venomous. "And now you have hunted me back to my one safe place, so if you think I'm hanging around then you are wrong." He closed the gap in two long strides and grabbed me by the shoulders. "When I invited you back to my room, I wasn't trying to force a confession from you. It was your birthday and I didn't want you to be alone. Dont you get that Anna? I care about you. You were the one that started talking, I didn't ask you. All this week I have been a complete dick to everyone knowing that I made you run. How could I not try and find you? I was worried about you." His voice dropped as he stood there looking at me, pleading with his eyes. A part of me wanted to forgive him, I knew that in some way I depended on having him around and that thought scared me. "I...I can't" It wrenched at my soul to say this but I knew in my mind that it was the right thing to do. "Everyone I care about dies, I will not be indirectly responsible for any more deaths, I can't do that. If anyone dies because of me, it will be me that killed them and I cannot kill you. So I am more sorry about this than you will probably ever know. I am leaving, I have a lead that can take me to the men who orphaned me. If I survive this then it is because of you and how you taught me. If I don't then I will be thinking of you as I die." My face must have shown my anguish because his creased as well as he stared down at me. "Let me help you please?" His voice was low and pleading. "I cannot." I leaned up and kissed him slowly, just once and tried to convey all my feelings through that one moment. Then I turned and left him standing there as I headed out of the window and left that part of my life behind me.

The next day found me on a train heading to Moscow, I spent a year there gathering more intel and then in my twenty second year I stumbled across one of the men that broke into my house. He was drunk and smoking, leaning on a wall in an alley behind an old building. I dropped down from the wall of the building and landed lightly on my feet. "I always imagined us meeting in a much more refined place than this shit hole." He started and stood up straighter. "No, by all means finish your fag." He glared at me but drew in another lungful of smoke before blowing it into the air between us. I waited two minutes as he stared at me trying to work out who I was. I stepped forward into the light and as he gasped I slit his throat. The knife cut through him like butter and the noise of the air whistling out of his lungs went on for what seemed like hours. I stepped back out of the light and left the way I came. With one down I knew it wouldn't be long before they came for me.

They came quicker than I thought and although I managed to kill the other four, the boss man was waiting for me. We fought a close fight and in the end I killed him, but he left a huge, deep cut on my left forearm. The pain was unreal and all I was aware of as I lay in the street bleeding out onto the pavement was the face of those I left behind. The street kids and their leader as well as my parents. They danced through my mind in a never ending parade and I stared at each one of their distant faces. I heard footsteps and then hands on me and rolling me over. There was a quick exchange in Russian and then I was carried away from the place of the fight, leaving a trail of blood behind me. One of the men held me down and the other slashed down with a quick and brutal blow. My forearm was gone and I screamed before passing out. When I woke up again I was being dragged down a corridor like a pig being taken for slaughter. A piece of cloth had been tied around my arm as a makeshift tourniquet, as a result the bleeding had slowed but not fully stopped. A door opened and I was thrown down the stairs into a smoky room that was full of people and noise. The air was heavy with spirits and cigarette smoke as I inhaled deeply to try and ease some of the pain. It didn't work so I stayed where I was lying and sucked in breath after breath of the stagnant air. Gradually I became aware of the growing crowd surrounding me but I was too weak to do more than bare my teeth in an attempt at a snarl. One of them kicked me lightly and a ripple of laughter spread through the crowd before one man lunged towards me and grabbed my left arm. My voice tore out of my throat in a dreadful scream and then I was dropped as everyone began to draw away. They withdrew, mumbling discontentedly and returned to their drinking and cards games. A lone man stood over me and I could tell that he was somehow different from the rest.


	9. Does picking a scab make it heal?

Ugh these boys are driving me up the wall. I know for certain that both Steve and Bucky are tailing me wherever I go and quite frankly it is annoying. Tony Stark however, is hiding from me, he promised me that he would make me a new arm because my one keeps malfunctioning and some of the fingers don't work properly and as of yet he hasn't delivered. Okay, that's it. I'm going to his workshop to see how he is getting on. It might dissuade my two stalkers from following me, Nick fury is coming to see me later and it does have me slightly on edge. I announce my destination and then stand up fluidly and head for Tony's workshop. When I get there I stand outside the doors and wait for Jarvis to notify him. The whoosh of the opening door makes me tense and I curse loudly. "What did the door ever do to you?" Tony's voice is light with humor and I just glower at him before allowing a small smile to creep onto my face. "It just....made me jump. That's all." I was never very good at talking about my feelings or weaknesses but I was doing my damn hardest to not shut anyone out. He stepped back to let me in, "So.... I'm guessing that you are here about the arm and that this isn't purely a social call...?" He turned back to the hologram in front of him and moved a few things about before heading over to the manufacturing area in the corner of the workshop. "Hmmmm.. It's a bit of both. Bucky and Steve are driving me mad and I may have broken the fridge door..." Tony's face went from thoughtful to incredulous in about a nano second. "Wait..Wait. You BROKE the fridge?.... How the fuck did you break the fridge?" His face was so funny that I was finding it increasingly difficult not to laugh at him. "Jarvis? How did she break the fridge.." There was a slight pause before a new screen popped up showing me trying to open the fridge. Unfortunately, my damaged arm was no longer calibrated and so it was very difficult for me to judge distance and speed. That and the fact that Clint had decided to jam it shut in someway. The first time I went for the handle I missed and very nearly put a hole in the fridge door. I tried again and this time managed to pull the handle off so I went in search of a cupboard and ate cereal instead. Tony turned to look at me and this time I really did start laughing at him. "I cant believe what I just watched.. You quite literally destroyed your fridge. Okay.. JARVIS this arm had better be ready today." Jarvis told him that the simulations were 80% complete. I spied the couch in the corner of the room that was obviously where Tony slept in his spare time and made a beeline for it. Tony was preoccupied with a few of the little gadgets and before I knew it I had fallen asleep. Unfortunately, a side affect of being an unwilling murderer and spending years being tortured is nightmares so sleep can never claim me for long.

Tony watched Anna sleeping on the couch with a wry smile that made his face crinkle attractively. Her face that was so closed off when she was awake had relaxed and the defensive mask had slipped. He turned and got on with his work before whimpers drew his attention. Anna had curled in on herself and was shaking, her face creased with pain as her body locked down. She was clearly in the throes of a particularly terrible nightmare and she began to cry out more and thrash around. Tony approached her and wondered at the best way to wake her without ending up dead or injured. Just as he went to approach her after deciding on using the back of the sofa as a shield, she screamed herself awake. He froze as she stared around herself with confusion, her face completely blank and devoid of emotion. He moved slowly round in front of her and her blank eyes snapped towards him and locked on his face. He froze and just stood there quietly, all of a sudden she slumped back into the sofa and tried to control the shaking. He stepped towards her and when she didn't react he sat down next to her and began to work on his tablet, knowing from experience that sometimes it was best not to talk and instead just sit and let them come to you. He had lost count of the times he woke screaming and found himself alone with no one to break the terrible silence surrounding him. He was so absorbed in his work that he didn't notice her shifting her weight and he started slightly as she leant against him. He relaxed back into the old worn couch and let her take comfort from his body, she was still shaking slightly and her eyes looked slightly unfocused as she stared at a point in the distance but as time passed she relaxed and then sat up away from him. The awkward silence stretched out between them and finally, just as it was becoming unbearable Jarvis informed them that the arm was ready. They both leapt up, Tony to get the arm and Anna in surprise. She frowned at her jumpiness and tried to shake away the remnants of the nightmares that had plagued her not so long ago. "So, uh. How do you want to do this?" Tony asked her as he reappeared with the new arm held firmly in his hands. She stared at it in wonder and more than a little apprehension. "I will do it, if you are the one to remove this arm then I can in no way guarantee your safety. You could end up injured or worse." Her face twisted slightly in remorse and a slight undercurrent of fear colored her voice. Tony nodded weakly, furious at the sadism of the red room. They had not bothered to remove any of the pain sensors and as far as he could tell removing the arm would be the same as removing a real limb. He gestured to the chair that stood behind him and her face paled. A second too late he remembered Bucky telling him about the chair that was used for the serum injections and the brutality of being strapped to that leather chair. He kicked himself then stepped back in front of the chair and gestured that she should remove it when she was ready. With a deep breath, Anna grasped the left forearm and with a vicious yank pulled it off. The scream that tore from her lips was pure agony and she cursed herself blue in the face as she straightened back up again. Her face was creased in pain and every tendon in her body stood at attention. He approached with the new arm and she turned her head away, her whole body tense and ready for the pain to start. Tony's anger rose as he saw her waiting for the pain, she was clearly expecting this to hurt and that tore at his somewhat damaged heart. "Just do it" She spat out between her gritted teeth and Tony fitted the arm to her with a small click. She glanced down stunned, then back to his face and then back down to her arm. "Is that... Is that it?" Her voice lifted slightly at the end of her sentence as she questioned him and her voice was that of someone who dares not hope. He nodded but told her that it would need calibrating. She poked him and he winced, "Oops... Sorry" she almost sounded sincere but for the giddy smile that was welded onto her face. He just poked his tongue out and threw a cloth at her, she dodged out of reach and then circled back round and bumped him with her shoulder. The next few hours were spent laughing and testing the arm. It was put through all its paces and Tony tweaked the coding using inputs from Jarvis's monitoring. "So, that looks about done." Tony was clearly exhausted and he scrubbed a hand through his already mussed up hair. "Thank you Tony. I mean it, thank you so much." Her heartfelt gratitude made Tony feel a bit awkward and self conscious. "Nahh.. Its nothing, don't worry about it. It was just the decent thing to do, y'know?" He tailed off at the expression on her face and the tension between them built slightly. She leant over and ruffled his hair before smiling at him and walking over to the door, Jarvis opened it silently and Tony looked after her for a while before pulling up the floor plans for the tower. It looked like she was going to be a permanent fixture in the tower so she may as well have her own floor. Everyone else had a floor and although she was technically nowhere near being an Avenger it wasn't like he was short on money.

Anna bounced into the room and Steve and Bucky both looked up from the tv they were pretending to watch, she rolled her eyes and then strode over to Bucky. His eyes fastened on her arm and a slow smile slipped into place, he glanced at her face and then stood up shifting his weight slightly. When she was still a few meters away she suddenly leapt towards him. Steve was on his feet in seconds as he waded in to try and stop them, Bucky was laughing and he moved suddenly and the two of them were on the floor. Together they sprang apart and headed for the gym to spar, Steve followed at a slight distance and tried to calm his racing heart. The two of them were like matched blades, they worked seamlessly as a team and Steve felt a slight twinge of jealousy at their relationship. Bucky clearly loved her but it was hard to get a true measure on their relationship. By the time Steve caught up with them, they had already begun to fight. "Care for a round? You look like you are itching to hit something?" Natasha had appeared quietly behind him, he started and turned but she just pushed open the door and walked in. The two on the mats did not even spare her a glance, with a shrug and a feeling that he was going to regret this Steve entered the room and was on his back in under a second. All three of the assassins laughed and he made it to his feet and began to fight in earnest. Without quite being aware of how it happened, Steve found himself trading blows with Bucky. Natasha and Anna drew apart slightly and eyed each other, then they leapt and what followed was an epic display of gymnastic power and deadly skill. Steve and Bucky moved off the mat when the two women started throwing each other around. If the first fight had seemed brutal then this was something else, Natasha threw hit after hit and Anna blocked and retaliated equally as fast. They spent a lot of time, rolling on the floor or flipping over each other. Anna's head was filled with the thoughts of Russia and the street kids that she grew up with. Their faces rolled past on an endless film and as she ducked and weaved around Natasha and she was slowly filled with a deep conviction. All this time, they had been fighting like two deadly snakes locked in a dance to the death but with a final flourish Natasha threw her and had her pinned in a second. She stood up and held out her hand, Anna took it and made her way to her feet gracefully. They were both breathing heavily from the exertion of the fight but it only took mere minutes for them to recover. Bucky and Steve clapped politely and Anna bowed cockily and then thumped Bucky and flicked Steve in the ear. The four of them left the room laughing and made it to the living room on the Avenger's floor. "Jarvis, order the usual from that little Pizza house on the corner please. Tip them extra for the short notice" Jarvis replied with an affirmative and the four of them lapsed into silence. Steve got up and went through into the kitchen, quickly followed by Natasha. Anna followed them with her eyes but then lapsed back into her thoughts of Russia and the plan that she had begun to think about. In the kitchen Steve and Natasha were talking in low voices. "She's up to something Steve, I know it.." He nodded but a frown creased his face, "How do you know for certain? And if she is, then what could she be planning?" Natasha rolled her eyes at him but he knew that if Natasha thought something was going on then it probably was.

By the time that Steve and Natasha returned from the kitchen Anna had left to go and get Tony from his workshop so the two sat down and waited for the food to arrive. Tony was under one of his cars when Jarvis opened the door to allow Anna in. "Tony, come on the pizza will be here soon!" She called to him but he only grunted a her from under the car and showed no signs of getting up. With a sigh she strode gracefully across the workshop and stood next to him tapping her foot menacingly. When he still ignored her she bent down and grabbed him by the ankles. "NO... DON'T YOU DARE!!!" She rolled her eyes and pulled a filthy Tony out from under the car. His entire body was covered in grease and his face was comically outraged. "I make you an arm and this is how you repay me.. bloody women..." He was muttering under his breath and studiously ignoring Anna who was trying very hard not to fall about laughing at him. "Tony go and shower and then come back upstairs for food, kay?" he nodded mutely and then flipped her the bird as she walked away from him. "I saw that Tony..." she said as she turned around and stuck her tongue out at him. He just swore at her again and she left still laughing at him. She paused in front of the elevator and looked at it, the smile sliding quickly off her face. The thought of going back up there and sitting with those guys was nauseating. Her mind was still a raw wound and having to hide how broken she was all the time was like pulling the stitches. She got out her starkphone and texted Bucky. 'Gone out. See you later, don't wait up.' She knew he would wait up anyway but it was worth a try, the tower felt like a prison sometimes and right now she needed to get away from the claustrophobia of it all. The doors opened and she took in huge lungfuls of the cold air. She pulled up her black hood and then started to run, it didn't matter where she went as long as she could run free. Bucky looked at his phone when it chimed and read the message with a frown on his face but said nothing. When a clean Tony appeared he commented on the disappearance of Anna, Bucky spoke up "She went out, told us not to wait." Everyone else nodded but Steve and Natasha shared a look that was not missed by Bucky.

Anna sped off across the streets of New York, it was built up so the rooftops were out of bounds, particularly in the center. But the suburbs provided lots of freedom and the possibility of a fight. Despite the earlier sparring, Anna's thoughts were sprinting through her brain and her blood was singing with an insatiable restlessness. She was filled with an irresistible urge to steal a car and drive for miles and miles away from the restricting social expectations that left her feeling crippled and restrained. She came to a halt in a small park and began to climb the tree that she was stood underneath, when she got as high as she could Anna wedged herself between two branches and tried to calm the shaking. The comforting enclosure of the leafy branches, linked with the gentle movement of the breeze through the tree was enough to steady her racing heart beat and for the first time in a very long while she felt almost at peace with herself. Her phone chimed with a message but she ignored it, and focused instead on planning her rescue and revenge attempt. Getting in to Russia would be hard, especially since she killed so many of their agents in her escape. She would potentially have to sell out some information to gain their trust back, luckily Anna knew a few pieces of non essential information that she could build upon. If the worst came to the worst then she could always ask JARVIS, but that would require a bug to delete their exchanges from his well protected hard drive and that was very risky. Luckily she had a few allies who were not allied to either side but owed her a few favors, then again she had not been in contact for years and Hydra was well known to work fast. Nick Fury had not called round as of yet but it would be any day now and she had to be seen as firmly on their side. If he got any wind of her nefarious intent then it would be game over for sure. He was not one to be seen as weak and despite being 'dead' he still held extraordinary power. If he had any doubts about Anna then the likelihood is that he would put out a kill order as he was in no hurry to reveal himself. With her brain whirring and her body relaxed comfortably against the tree, Anna stared out across the city through a gap in the canopy. 

Back in the tower tensions were rising, Natasha was watching the clock and occasionally glancing at Steve. Steve was chatting so brightly that it was obviously forced and his voice was grating on Tony's nerves. Clint was drinking copious amounts and pretending not to notice the atmosphere that was surrounding Bucky, Steve and Natasha. "Where did she go?" Nat finally gave in and asked Bucky a question, he rolled his eyes but sat forward and answered with a scathing tone. "I don't fucking know, I'm not her keeper.... She is a grown woman Nat.." Clint snored behind them but Tony sat up to watch, "What is she hiding Bucky?" He just shook his head incredulously but for some reason he chose to answer her again " I don't know Natalia..." the triumphant smile that spread across her face was enough to make Bucky grind his teeth in anger. Nat shared an 'I told you so' smile with Steve who glanced at her then looked at Bucky apologetically who glared at them both. Nat was on her phone and a chill ran down Bucky's spine. "Are you TRACKING her?" Something slipped over Natasha's face and in an instance Bucky was up and nearly on her, he ripped her phone from her hand and crushed it with one flex of his metal arm. She cursed at Bucky's back as he strode out of the room and into the elevator. Steve threw a reproachful look at Nat before following Bucky. She just stretched and got up, once the elevator was empty she left the tower and headed to the park to keep an eye on their newest addition. When Steve arrived on Bucky's floor he was stood in front of the big windows, every line of his body screamed of tension and anger and Steve felt a great wave of sorrow wash over him. Bucky turned round to look at him as Steve made his way across the large lounge area, the look on Bucky's face was not angry though, he just looked betrayed and that broke Steve's heart. "Look Buck...." Steve tried to keep his voice gentle and placating but Bucky's face hardened "Don't call me that.. Only my friends get to call me that." His voice was hard and each word was like a punch in the gut to Steve, Steve opened his mouth to reply but Bucky beat him to it "Just get out." His voice was soft and he sounded exhausted, no matter how much Steve wanted to stay and press his point he knew that Bucky would not listen to a word. As soon as Steve left, Bucky crossed the room in a few strides and angrily yanked open the door to Anna's bedroom. He knew for a fact that if she caught him all hell would break loose but he needed to know for sure that she was not planning anything. Her bed was curiously untouched and it still looked newly made, that made him pause. She was clearly not sleeping and hadn't slept for at least three days when the beds were last changed. He scrubbed a hand over his face and then turned to leave without looking around, she was clearly not recovering well and for some reason she was avoiding talking to him about it. The door clicked shut behind him and he wearily made his way back to the lounge where he sat and waited for her to come home. 

Anna saw Natasha coming from across the park and she ground her teeth in frustration, the other woman clearly suspected something and had gone as far as to track her down. Nat walked quickly and then settled behind a different tree in the park, obviously waiting to see who Anna was meeting. Anna rolled her eyes and shifted to get comfortable, trying to ignore the sense of claustrophobia that was creeping in due to the blatant mistrust and invasion of privacy. It was like having a baby sitter that wouldn't even let you go to the bathroom without assuming that you were planning something. Anna had planned on staying to watch the dawn, but with Natasha there she felt too constricted and watched to stay where she was. Every time someone said or did something that carried an undertone of mistrust made a little bit of her curl up and die. Her mind was breaking up under the constant pressure, even Jarvis made her feel watched and monitored constantly. She couldn't sleep, she was eating less and less and she was restless beyond belief. With a sigh she walked gracefully along the branch then leapt out of the tree and rolled upon impact. She took off at a jog, waving at where she knew Nat to be and then she began to run in earnest. Losing herself to the sheer joy of the wind in this city that never sleeps. Nat was following at some distance but Anna didn't care, she was going back to the tower to put Nick Fury at peace whenever he showed up and then.. then she was going to Russia.


	10. Alliance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suprise!!!  
> Guess who's back... I know, I know.. its been ages, weeks, months, maybe even years but I'm here now so trying to get this finished. Don't want to make empty promises though! Once its finished I still need to read through and edit the entire work so yay for me :) will sort grammar, punctuation, spelling ect.... I re-read it all over the last few days and noticed just how many mistakes I made!! Once I get in the writing mode, it sort of just happens... I'm suprised that it actually makes sense to be honest!! As always, let me know what you think of it :)

Anna made it back to the tower, she was sweating slightly but her well trained body was not fazed by the running. The elevator doors dinged open the second she walked into the tower and she glared at them with mistrust. It was proof that JARVIS was watching her all the time, she turned and started up the long flight of stairs. The stairs were remarkably therapeutic and by the time she reached the top of them she was almost calm. The stairs did not go to the Avengers floors so she headed to the air vent and jimmied it open. A long, slow crawl followed and eventually she emerged covered in dust and headed for her room. The minute she stepped into her bedroom she knew that Bucky had been there, his cologne had lingered long after he had.

The sense of betrayal that shot through me brought me to my knees. I knelt there and stared at nothing, hating the tear that slowly tracked down my face. It made me feel weak but I could not stop them after the first one. A tiny noise from outside the door made me freeze. I could see a shadow from Bucky standing on the other side of the door. Slowly I stood up and then moved over to open the door. I yanked it and then punched him in the face. Hard. He staggered back and in a second I was on him. My fury fueled every hit and although he defended himself well I landed a few but he never hit me back. Tears were still making tracks down my face but eventually I stopped. His nose was broken and he would have a brilliant black eye tomorrow to go with a split lip and a cracked rib. I came to my senses with a gasp of horror and launched myself off him and away. I staggered down a corridor feeling drunk with a lethal cocktail of adrenaline, guilt and a crushing sorrow. He followed me gingerly as I stood staring at my reflection. It looked as trapped as I felt behind that cold glass prison. A cage that you could not see enslaved both me and my reflection.

I slowly turned to face the room and carefully brought my gaze to meet his. I kept my impassive mask on but it was hard to hide the sense of betrayal I felt and my hands would not stop shaking, no matter how hard I clasped them. His dark eyes watched me as I tried to pull myself together, but with a gasp I slowly lost the battle and sunk to the floor. He moved to come forward but I glared at him. He had betrayed me. All the waiting and playing nice was getting to me. I was not rehabilitated and was not been beginning to heal. The only time I felt any peace was when I fought, but even then I had to hold it together and not just let rip and go wild. More and more I found myself longing for the simple life I had led on the street. But somewhere deep inside me a voice was shouting and screaming at me. I could never live that life, I wanted to ignore it and so far I was doing a good job but fear consumed me at what I would find. Through all this, Bucky had been standing and watching but now he sank down as well and propped himself against the sofa. "What's going on?" I started at his voice but didn't answer, as far as I could see, he didn't deserve an answer. "GODDAMIT ANNA. Please... I want to help you." His voice started angry but faded into a broken tone that almost reflected the emotions swirling through my confused body. Without a word I stood and left him there on the floor.

The noise of the workshop door opening startled Tony and he looked up into the face of the newest addition. She didn't speak but made a beeline for the sofa and after a moment of observing her, Tony turned and got back to work. The sound of the mechanic tinkering with his machines created a peaceful and welcome distraction from her restless mind, the quiet thunks as he pushed things around his desk and the whirring of Dum-e provided a calming backdrop in direct contrast to the screaming maelstrom of horror that resided behind her tightly shut eyes. 

Tony was unaccustomed to working with a companion in the room, particularly one who didn't talk or interfere in anyway. When people usually barged in it was to pester him into attending some event or saving the God-damned world, but Anna seemed content to sit and doze on the couch. This did form some kind of a problem though as Tony had not slept in 72 hours so badly needed to crash out. Unfortunately for him, his crash pad was occupied by a sleeping super-assassin. He rolled his eyes and quietly ordered a second couch. JARVIS flashed a message back to say it would be delivered in the morning.

The room was mainly dark when she awoke, JARVIS had dimmed the lights down completely and the only noise was the mechanical hum of the many robots that filled the workshop. Anna stared at the ceiling for a little while longer, confused at the lack of activity around her and the lack of activity inside her mind. For the first time in years she had not screamed herself to consciousness or woken, paralysed with fear and covered in a cold sweat. With a groan she checked the time and saw that she had snatched a measly two hours of sleep, right now though she was not complaining. Her mind was still foggy from sleep but even so she had no excuse for not noticing the other person in the room. She cursed herself for the lack of vigilance and swung her legs off of the couch, her back and hips cracked as she stood but the pain was fleeting as her healing kicked in and smoothed away all the aches. 

Tony was passed out at his desk, a design for a new floor was under his head and a pencil had fallen out of his hand and rolled to rest on the floor by his feet. The screens around him were dark now but he had obviously been using them before he passed out. Anna felt a little guilty as she looked at his worn face, exhaustion was written into every line of it and she has clearly stolen his sleeping spot. In moments she forced the guilt aside and considered him, then the couch, and then swiveled her head back to Tony. Making her mind up she strode to the couch and almost effortlessly moved it closer to his sleeping form. Then, as gently as if he was a child she carried him to the couch and laid him on it. A slight hitch in his breathing made her freeze but he didn't wake so she covered him with the blanket and stepped back.

Sliding to the floor with her back to the couch, Anna took up post over his body. She couldn't explain why but she was drawn to him and the pained creases that passed across his face just screamed night terrors. Being a sufferer herself and also having been on the receiving end of his kindness, Anna was determined to keep them at bay if she could. Less than 20 minutes later, she heard his heart rate pick up and he began to whimper quietly under his breath. Without a moment’s hesitation she reached for his hand and waited for him to quiet. Once he was still again, she closed her eyes and began to meditate. The raw, angry energy inside her stilled into a smooth and powerful source. It throbbed with life and yet was subdued and mellow. 

Anna set up a vigil over his sleeping form, her meditation made her hyper-aware of every minute change around her. She could feel his heart rate pick up, could hear the almost imperceptible hitches in his breath, the panicked inhales and shortened exhales. Every slight restless movement, even the frantic movements of his eyes behind his closed lids. It was an odd feeling to be this close to someone and it was intimate in a round about way. The meditation was a way for her body to rest and heal without letting her guard down. Tony's heart rate began to climb alarming so Anna reached out and touched his arm, in a split second she yanked her hand back. A spike of energy had surged up to meet her and left a tingling sensation, she glanced down in shock and saw that nothing had changed. Slowly she once more centered herself then reached out to touch him, again the strange energy surged to life but she ignored it and watched as his creased forehead and frantic breathing relaxed back to normal. 

Anna stayed in contact with him and tried to meditate again, the strange sensations running through her made it difficult to focus in the beginning but she persevered. It helped to picture the energy as water, the calmer she was herself, the slower the energy that flowed between them was. Once the energy was flowing smoothly and no longer buzzing like angry bees, she disentangled herself and lay on the floor feeling exhausted. Tony slept for a couple of hours before she needed to repeat the whole cycle again. "JARVIS?" Anna spoke in a quiet voice, she picked up a tablet and gestured to it. JARVIS got the hint and quickly sent a written response. "How long has he gone without sleep?" _Mr Stark has been awake for over 72 hours now_ Anna nodded to herself thoughtfully. "Does he have any engagements in the morning? Again she waited for the blue lines of text to appear on the otherwise blank screen. _He does not, although may I remind you that you are to meet with Nick Fury at the **earliest available** time. _ Anna cocked her head and smiled slightly, it was easy to tell what JARVIS thought of Mr Fury. "Are you suggesting that we keep our good leader waiting?" _I can neither confirm nor deny those allegations._ "Well then JARVIS, I think I just became unavailable all morning, perhaps the afternoon would be more convenient..?" _Certainly, I will keep the workshops locked down until Mr Stark is awake._ Anna grinned, it was still raw and twisted but there was definitely a hint of humor there behind that feral smile. She could see why Tony was so fond of his AI. 

It was midday when Tony finally began to wake up, Anna relaxed back against the sofa trying to hide the subtle shaking of her hands. Slowly he pushed himself into a sitting position and sat silently for a moment as his eyes traveled to Anna, who was still next to his head, and then over to the clock. "Morning" She sounded tired and Tony noticed that her breathing was slightly laboured as if she had been running. She stood shakily and he caught her just as her legs gave way, "Anna what the fuck?" She shrugged him off "Just forget it!", before getting up again slowly and staggering towards to the door, he stayed there in absoloute shock.


	11. UPDATE

I realise that it has been forever since I last updated!!! I can only apologise and say that life got in the way for a bit, however... I was reading back through and noticed a ton of spelling/grammar and in fact plot mistakes that I need to rectify before I continue which I am now doing.  
So again, apologies and hopefully the whole thing will make more sense when it looks less like a five year old wrote it!!  
Thank you for your patience and don't give up on me yet!!  
~Loki_Silvertongue_laufeyson


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